


Return to Tarsus IV

by Centelope



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Caring Bones, Fear of hypos, Fear of sickbay, Flashbacks, His friends knows he's not, Hurt!Jim, Jim pretends to be fine, Panic Attacks, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-09 16:56:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10416771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Centelope/pseuds/Centelope
Summary: The Enterprise is ordered to participate on a mission involving Tarsus IV, but no-one knows Jim was one of the survivors. Cue flashbacks, panic attacks, delusions and hallucinations before they've even arrived.WARNING: Suicide attempt and some point





	1. Chapter 1

“Keptin,” a Russian accent began from the helm, “Vhere should ve be going? Ve are just…” he gestured hands around aimlessly, “Flying with no course!”

Captain Kirk shrugged in his seat and then realised he wasn’t a rebellious lazy teenager anymore. At least, he tried not to be. He sat up straighter.  
“I think my crew deserve a break,” he announced, smirking and looking around at his confused bridge officers. “There doesn’t need to be a course heading unless we get a hail or distress call. Just go wherever you want.”  
_That didn’t sound very Captain-like,_ he thought.  
_They’ll like me better if I give them a break._

Minutes later, said helm staff were quietly muttering amongst themselves, giving quick glances to Kirk and looking away. Jim squirmed.

“What’s the joke?” he asked, shifting himself onto the chair arm-rest.

Sulu turned back and waved him off.  
“Nothing Captain, Chekov and I were just talking.”

Kirk inhaled. They were obviously lying.  
“But you two were staring at me.” He recalled, attempting to bore angry eyes into the men. They turned back to face the screen and didn’t answer.

Kirk huffed, standing up and walking over to Spock, who was ridiculously posture-straight as ever. To his surprise, even the Vulcan appeared to be trying to block Kirk’s view of the scanners.  
“Let me see,” he muttered, gently pushing him aside and peering into the device. Spock tensed up and watched him cautiously. Chekov and Sulu peered over to look at him also.

“What’s everyone looking at?” Uhura asked from her station.  
Seconds later, Kirk looked up from the scanner and stared motionless at the wall.

“Tarsus IV” he whispered under his breath.

“Huh?” Uhura didn’t hear his whispering. Spock saw Kirk tense up.

“Tarsus IV, Lieutenant.” he answered instead.  
Kirk let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and straightened his posture again.  
_That was years ago, stop being such a child_ , he told himself.  
_Besides, there’s no-one there now. Well, apart from the people who are…  
_ He tensed up at the thought, suddenly noticing that he couldn’t call on his energy to move, not even seeing Spock hooking his arm under Jim’s from the scanner’s panel and marched him back over to his beloved Captain’s chair.

“Continue in current direction, warp factor 4 for precisely 10 seconds, then revert back to 0.5, Mister Sulu” Spock ordered him. He wasn’t sure if he had the right to order the ship around, but he decided that it was for the Captain’s benefit, so it would be an exception. Spock thought that the planet's history had scared the Captain for some reason.   
Perhaps it would be best if he was given time to get used to being near it.

Kirk sucked in a breath and made a valid effort to calm himself down.  
_Don’t think about it, don’t think about it and you’ll be fine._  
That’s all over now.  
He looked down at his hands, which were notably shaking. Unfortunately for him, it had caught Spock’s eye too.

“Captain, perhaps it would be beneficial to visit Doctor McCoy?”

Kirk stifled a laugh. There was no way he was going anywhere near that sickbay. Besides, that sickbay reminded him of what they did on… that planet.  
“It’s fine Spock, it was stupid of me to look when you guys were obviously trying to avoid letting me see.”

Spock intertwined his hands behind his back.  
“I strongly recommend that you visit him, as I believe he will be able to relieve you of your anxiety.”

Kirk squinted, then turned his chair to face Spock, who was standing tall next to him.  
“Spock,” he started, licking his dry lips, “I’ll be _fine_ , give me time. I don’t want to pay Bones a visit every time I get a little nervous. Okay?” He swung his chair back around. “Drop the subject, and that’s an order.”

The Vulcan seemed hesitant, but answered with a slight nod anyway. “Very well,” he said, returning to his station.

\--

Jim sat and thought about his time on Tarsus. He couldn't help himself. No matter how much he tried to focus on something else, his mind wandered back to Tarsus.

He remembers a specific moment when he had watched a friend he was protecting, receive a stab to the chest after she had left their hiding space. She had begged him to promise he would save the children.

Jim promised. They all died anyway.

_All of them._

_He could have done more._

_I could have saved more people_ , he thought.

I remember the children who screamed my name as they were taken hostage and experimented on.

_I did nothing to save them._

Jim remembered how he was experimented on.

Flashbacks of being tied down in a medical facility took over his mind.

_They tortured me until I'd give them answers._

_I never gave them answers._

_So they bound me down tighter and forced my screams as they cut my body._

_Starved me of food._

_Injected things into me. Operated while I was awake. Dissected my legs so I couldn't escape._

\--

Jim was thrown back into reality with a gasp. Spock was kneeling in front of him, his hands on Jim's face, trying to make him focus.

Tarsus was creeping on his mind again.

 _Screams. Death. Torture. Starvation. Dissection.  
_ Jim couldn't stop a whimper escaping his lips.

Spock noticed the stress lines forming on Jim's face- his eyes were screwed shut, body shuddering, which were signs of a human close to shock. His hand was hovering over the comm.

"Spock," Kirk managed to hiss. Spock looked up at him. "Go back to your station. All of you. Stop staring at me. Make that an order!"  
Wordlessly, the Vulcan turned and sat back at his desk.

Kirk hated being watched.

\--

Approximately 10 minutes later, Jim felt his stomach heave.  
_Starvation. Tarsus._ His body told him. He shook his head.  
_Crew must also be hungry_ , he thought.

"Okay, go find yourselves something to eat in the mess hall, you got 30 minutes." he announced in his most formal tone of voice.

Everyone except Kirk and Spock stood up to leave.

\--

"What do you think's going on with the Captain?" Sulu was asking Chekov and Uhura, the three walking down to the mess hall together. Chekov shrugged.

"He deed not like ze planet we passed. Eet vas Tarzuz no?"

"If he does, he's going to have a hard time considering we've been ordered to go there." Uhura informed him.

\--

Half an hour later, the bridge crew started swarming in again, returning to their stations.

Kirk and Spock had sat in complete silence.

Right, Kirk thought, rubbing the back of his neck.

Back to normal, moron. He told himself.

Jim looked back up at the screen, leaning into his chair.

_Don't fuck up again._

For a split second, Jim's swore his vision went black. He blinked a couple of times.

Huh.

He shrugged it off.

" _Hello, James."_

Kirk froze.

_No._

_Oh god no._

_Oh god please no._

His eyes were fixed at the now empty viewing screen, his breath was hitched in his throat, stomach gurgling, threatening to spill its contents.

_Spock. Spock. I need Spock._

_How._

_I can't. I can't move._

_Can't breathe._

Jim's eyes darted desperately around the bridge, which soon set on the side of his chair.  
He could send a message to Spock.  
That way no one could know.

Jim frantically slammed his sweaty hands over the chair controls, with one thought hammering at his mind.

 _Death. Death. Death. Death._  
He typed quickly into the device.  
help

Jim exhaled shakily.  
He looked up to Spock, who had been alerted immediately. His head bent down to decode the message.  
Moments later, Spock's chair spun round to face the Captain, signs of alarm in his facial features.  
At the same time, the nightmare came back to punish him.

"You won't feel the stomach dissection."

Kirk shot up out of his seat and vomited all over the bridge floor.  
Kodos was here. _Kodos was here._  
He let out a scared whine at fell backwards into the floor, his head hitting the chair seat.  
Spock uncharacteristically lunged to his side, kneeling down once again.

His hand hit the comm.

"Spock to Doctor McCoy. The Captain is in deep distress."

The Vulcan gripped firm hands around Jim's arms in attempt to ground him.

"McCoy here, what's the idiot done now?"  
Spock immediately let go of an arm to answer the comm.

"I believe he is having a panic attack. Please hurry."

"Bring him to the sickbay so I can sedate him."

Spock hastily shut off the comm link and hauled Kirk upwards into his feet, and without much effort, over his shoulder.  
The younger man groaned in protest, and then proceeded to vomit over his shoulder and onto the floor.  
Spock picked up his pace, entering the turbolift.

 

As they entered, Jim began hitting Spock frantically to put him down.  
Seeing as this meant the Captain could be strong enough to walk, Spock gently lowered him to his feet.

"We are going to sickbay, Jim." The Vulcan informed him cooly. At that, Kirk instantly collapsed into a bundle on the floor.

"No" he breathed, staring up at Spock with wild eyes.

"Jim, you are not performing at peak performance, therefore it is vital that we--"

"No, don't let them take me."  
Spock merely glares at the younger man as the lift doors open.

McCoy was visible from down the corridor- he was waiting outside sickbay for them.

As Spock hauled Jim over his shoulder again, the younger man began kicking and screaming to be put down; hyperventilating and forcing out choked sobs, mainly consisting of "please don't make me go."

\--

Jim was terrified. He didn't want to be experimented on again. All that pain, it was as if it was no stranger to him at all.

"PUT ME DOWN!" Jim screamed, thrashing and kicking at the stronger body who held him. His captive remained wordless.

"Let me go, please please please" he begged, feeling the life drain out of him as he struggled to suck in air. He pushed against the Vulcan who was wordlessly storming down the corridor.

McCoy saw the situation and ran up to meet them, all three of them now heading to sickbay.

"What happened Jim?" Bones asked, running a medical tricorder down him.

"Fuck off! Let me go! I fucking hate you!"

McCoy was taken aback by his friend's sudden outburst, feeling like he'd been kicked in the stomach.

"He is highly delusional, Doctor." Spock informed him.

McCoy nodded in acknowledgement, ushering them over to a private room at the back, usually where Kirk had all his examinations.

"Put him on the bed, try to hold him down while I give him a sedative" McCoy demanded, walking past the door hissing shut and reaching for the row of Jim-compatible sedatives, hearing the same man scream and cry in the background.

Spock held him down firmly at the shoulders while he struggled under his grip.

"Jim." The Vulcan tried to hush the man in whispers. Kirk inhaled sharply, and stared at the older man who was now approaching him with a hypospray-- _he was going to be knocked out and tortured._

McCoy took another slow step forward at the man's cautious watching eye.

"No _gasp_ No _gasp_ No _gasp_ No--"

"It's alright Jimbo, I promise this is just something to help you calm down."

Jim continued to watch him while taking shuddering breathes, but the minute McCoy put a hand on his shoulder, Jim seized up so hard that the doctor's hand was jolted off.  
At this success, Jim continued jolting and shaking with the power vested in him, to make the doctor back away.

"Jim, please let me do this, it's not going to hurt I swear." McCoy's eyes were gentle. But Jim wasn't fooled.

"Go away." he muttered, then glancing up at Spock. The Vulcan didn't budge, making eye contact with McCoy, who walked up behind him.

"Can't you do that neck thing of yours?" he whispered to the stoic-faced man.

He shook his head.

"I cannot, for he is not posing a threat to another person."

McCoy rubbed his face in his hand and sighed.

"Alright, stay where you are, I'm gonna try see how he reacts with a mask instead."  
The doctor set off to the other side of the room to find the equipment needed, while Spock looked down at his Captain, his friend; who was crying, being restrained onto a bed.

"Jim," he looked over the fragile form of the man. "Perhaps you will allow me to initiate a Vulcan mind-meld."

Jim looked up at him confused. And then looked scared again.

"You-you want to alter my memory?"

Spock shook his head.

"No Jim, it will allow me to illicit a sense of calm, in order to aid your ailment."

Jim stared up at him.

And then noticed something.

_The grip on him had been eased._

Not even a second later, Jim yanked himself away from Spock, falling off the bed, and knocking over a tray of torture instruments next to him. He grabbed a scalpel that had fallen to the floor, and protectively waved it around in Spock's direction.

"Don't come near me you pointy eared freak, or I'll stab your guts with this!"

Spock froze to the spot, with McCoy sauntering back just on time. He threw the equipment he was holding to the side.

"Grab his arms, I'll grab his legs."

Jim tensed.

"No. Go away, go awa-" The scalpel was knocked out of his hand by McCoy, and was soon being manhandled to the floor so he was able to be picked up.

" ** _NO_**!" he screamed in frustration, attempting to kick at the captives but his attempts were futile.

"Stop it, stop it _please_!" And before he could stop himself, threw up again, only this time started choking; the bile building up and clogging his throat.  
Jim stared wide eyed at McCoy, who put on his best doctor face and pulled him to the bed quicker.

"Spock, get him on the bed. And Chapel in here, I think Jim's choking on his vomit."

Spock rushed out the room in the most Vulcan way possible, leaving McCoy to maneuver Jim onto his side, rubbing circles into his back to help sooth him as he continued to vomit and shake.  
Jim let out a whimper, and McCoy didn't miss the single hot tear that fell from his friend's eye.

"You're going to be okay." he said firmly, gently placing the back of his hand against Jim's cheek, and frowned.  
"You're burning up.." he muttered, Chapel and Spock now bursting in.

As Jim saw another torturer walk in, he seized up and started shaking at the vomit clogging his airway, from inhaling it while hyperventilating.

"Take over here Chapel," McCoy ordered, marching to the other side of the bed, wheeling over a section device. Jim glanced up at him with fearful panicked eyes. McCoy gently rubbed his arm. Chapel held him still.

"Jim, you're finding it difficult to breathe because your airway is congested with vomit, so I'm going to clear it okay?"

The man didn't respond, just continuing to watch McCoy's movements.  
He quickly pulled up the suction and lifted Jim's chin. The poor man looked terrified.

"I need you to open darlin' " he told him, as gently as his southern accent would allow. Jim shook even harder, then squeezed his eyes shut. McCoy took this as a sign.

Pushing the suction under his arm, McCoy placed one hand under Jim's chin, another one against his jaw. Slightly pulling downwards, he managed to some-what open a shaky mouth, grabbing the suction again and pushing it in before Jim changed his mind.

"That's it, you're doing well kiddo" McCoy praised him, who was still shuddering. Chapel slightly eased her grip on him.

"There we go, almost done" McCoy reassured him.

The second his airway was clear, Jim took a shaky inhale. McCoy smiled at him, removing the suction as Chapel rolled him onto his back again.

"You did really well, Jim." Chapel whispered, not ignoring the fact that he seemed slightly calmer than when she came in.

McCoy approached him again, but with a mask in tow.

"This is just going to help you breathe, yeah?" McCoy asked him, before hovering the mask over Jim's mouth and nose. "When you're comfortable with it, I'll strap it on, and you can hold it." he smiled. Jim ever-so-slightly nodded, and reached an exhausted arm out to the doctor.

"Sleep" Jim croaked out hoarsely, McCoy taking Jim's arm with his spare hand and lowering it to his chest.

"You want to sleep?" McCoy asked quietly.

" _Bones_ " Jim whimpered, the doctor's eyes slightly widening in surprise from the sudden recognition. "Me...sleep"

"Alright kid. Do you want it through this mask or through a hypo?" McCoy expected him to want it through a mask; he avoided hypos like the plague.

"Whatever...quickest" he slurred.

"Hold this mask to your face," he told him gently, allowing Jim's sweaty hand take it from his, then fetching a hypo from a tray that had not been tipped onto the floor.

McCoy held the hypo above Jim's face, to let him see it first.

"This is what I'm going to use, alright?"

Jim nodded. He knew what hypos were, but McCoy wanted him to know what was happening.

"Now I'm going to put it against your neck, like this," he explained slowly, putting a hand onto his neck for precision, and descending the hypo to the skin.

"Slight sting," he warned, pushing it against his neck and watching Jim's face for signs of pain. He had temporarily froze at the horribly familiar feeling, but his body went limp the moment the hissing started. McCoy watched Jim's eyes roll back and finally surcumb to a state of rest.

He placed the hypo aside, sitting down wearily propping an elbow up on the armrest.

" _My god_ ," he had whispered.

\--

Spock spent the next half an hour watching over Kirk's sleeping form.  
But watching him was illogical, for doctor McCoy had him in good care.

"You still here?" grunted a voice from behind him, footsteps following. He believed it to be the doctor himself.

"I must ensure that the Captain is functional. It is my duty."

“No, that’s my duty, Spock. Go back to the bridge. You’re acting Captain now.”

McCoy gave a final challenging expression to the Vulcan before narrowing his eyes and turning to leave, back into the main sickbay, leaving Spock and an unconscious Kirk to themselves in the secluded area of the room.

 _Then we will both share this duty._ Spock thought, standing and staring over at Kirk. Anyone who saw him would have thought his actions were creepy.

“Unnghh..”

Spock’s head spun to face the noise. Kirk was awakening.

“Captain,” he greeted, not moving his body an inch from where it was standing.

“Spock..” Kirk cracked open his eyes and groaned again, pain lines etched across his forehead. “What happened?” Jim generally didn’t remember, the fog still clouding his brain.

“I believe you suffered from a panic attack. You were sedated.” He observed Kirk’s pain lines again. “This may explain the headache that I realise you are experiencing.”

 _Ah._ Kirk remembered what happened now. They passed Tarsus. He was taken to sickbay. The flashbacks made him freak out. Oh well.

“I’ll return to the bridge now, thanks Spock.” Kirk sat up, momentarily regretting it as the world spun. A steady hand of the Vulcan had gripped onto his arm for support.

“I recommend that you wait until Doctor McCoy has cleared you for duty.” The voice next to him said.

Kirk squinted and rubbed his throbbing head.  
At least he could see clearly again.  
“Where _is_ Bones?” he asked slowly, noticing he wasn’t in the room with him.

“Doctor McCoy has tended to the rest of sickbay. You are secluded away from the others.”

As annoyingly overprotective Kirk thought Bones was, at least he had the decency to move him into a place where no-one could see his outburst.  
Kirk stood up and grinned when his body didn’t falter him.

“There’s no medical reason to keep me here, so I’ll be off now. Come along Spock” he called, sauntering over to the door, dragging his tired feet. Spock followed cautiously behind, eying the Captain, just in case he fell.  
Kirk peeked out the door, searching rapidly for Bones. If the good doctor saw him, he’d be dragged back to sickbay immediately.

“All clear!” he whispered mostly to himself.

“Your desire to announce the presence of the doctor is most illogical, for I can see--”

Kirk slammed a hand over the Vulcan’s mouth.  
“Shut up, he might hear us!” he hissed.  
Spock’s left eyebrow shot up regardless of the hand covering his mouth. Usually he’d flinch and attack with the contact. This time he was able to control himself.

Just as he was about to step one foot out the sickbay doors, Chapel shouted after him.  
“Captain!” she ran up to him. “Where do you think you’re going? Doctor McCoy hasn’t cleared you yet.” Then she looked him up and down. “In fact I don’t even think he knows you’re awake, hold on—“

“No! No,” Jim stopped her from reaching for the comm, “He knows, he discharged me, isn’t that right Spock?” he turned and smiled at the Vulcan. Spock stood stiff-lipped and remained wordless.  
“So anyway, I’ll be off. As you can see, I’m fine. Chao!” Kirk cringed at his choice of goodbye words and hastily escaped from sickbay.

“I will accompany you to the bridge, Captain.” Spock was saying from behind him, “However, your choice to leave sickbay was illogical. You have not been cleared for duty, and even more urgently, you asked me to lie for you.” Spock unexpectedly tugged on Jim’s shirt to get him to stop walking and face him. “Vulcan’s cannot lie.”

“Yeah? Well thanks for not telling the truth. I would’ve got my ass dragged back to sickbay.” He continued walking, Spock’s movements to catch up with him looked to be humanly irritated.

As Spock was about to protest again, Jim stumbled forward, Spock’s stronger hands managing to grip onto and catch him in time. Jim looked up at him and gave him a huge grin. Spock, if no-one knew any less, seemed to be frowning.  
He was looking down at his grip on the Captain’s hands. Kirk looked down also, then pulled away thinking the contact concerned him.

“Sorry, you can let go, I won’t fall.”

Spock looked him in the eye, then looked back down at Kirk’s hands, slowly taking them again.  
“Jim,” he looked to be studying him, as if Doctor McCoy had never existed. “Your hands are of considerably low temperature. And if I may use a term in which you are familiar—they are also, clammy.”

Kirk scoffed. Sure his hands were clammy. That didn’t have to mean anything.  
“So?”

“I believe you have a fever. We must return to sickbay at once.” Spock turned around to return to the chamber-of-torture before Kirk grabbed his shirt and hauled him back around to face him.

“ ** _No_**. We are _not_ going back there.” His eyes were fierce. “We are not. Going. Back. There. Do you understand?”

Both of Spock’s eyebrows flew up this time, ‘surprised’ by Jim’s sudden outburst. He decided it was logical to avoid the subject from now on, to avoid another breakdown.  
He motioned a nod towards the Captain and continued walking in the direction towards the turbolift.

\--

Inside the turbolift, Spock was standing against the wall, observing the Captain with beady eyes, but remaining as cool-headed as ever.

Jim seemed to be staring off into space.

“Jim?” Spock tried to get his attention. The Captain was tense and unresponsive, until he suddenly tipped forward. Holding onto him with strong powered arms, Spock pushed Jim back to see his face.  
Jim’s head lulled backwards to face Spock, with pure terror and fright filling his eyes.

“ _Where are you taking me?_ ”

**TBC...**


	2. Return to Tarsus IV - Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's first arrival to Tarsus, obviously goes pair-shaped. McCoy tries to fix him, but as usual, that too ends up spiralling out of control.

“Captain.” he grasped his arms and shook him gently. “Jim. I am Spock. Of whom are you imagining me to be?”

Kirk’s body stayed unyielding against the Vulcan’s grip, eyes fixed onto Spock’s, as if watching for any signs that he were to hurt him.

“I.. don’t know. I don’t know who you are.” Jim’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Then why are you showing such deep negative emotion towards me?”

Jim’s cautious eyes watched Spock’s face a little while longer, before his shoulders visibly relaxed.

“ _Spock_..” he whispered, gazing down to the floor, mouth gaping. Spock seemed content with the outcome of that breakdown.

“Do you believe me now when I say that you must stay in sickbay?” he stood back from him a bit, to allow him room to breathe.

“I understand.. why I should be there.” He looked away from the Vulcan and faced the wall. “Really, I do, I just…” he closed his eyes and fell back into the wall in exhaustion. “I just can’t.”

Spock folded his arms, head turning towards the turbolift doors that opened shortly after. He raised forward a hand that signalled he could leave first. Jim made a mumble noise and dragged himself out the lift and onto the bridge.

There were mumbles from the crew the second that they spotted Kirk walk onto the bridge. He shook off the feeling that they were _so obviously_ talking about him, ordered Spock back to his station, and slumped onto the chair.

Kirk sighed.

“ETA Mister Chekov..?” he asked quietly, clear tone of grief, misery, in his voice.

“Emm.. tventy seven meenets Captain!” came the complete opposite of Kirk’s voice. He forced a smile at the Russian boy. He was always so cheery.

The intercom sounded. “Doctor McCoy to the bridge. Jim, get your negligent ass down here now!”

Kirk rested his head against the chair, silently taking breathes and ignoring the beeping that followed with “Jim! Jim answer me damn it!” and “Get down here now!”

He continued to pretend the comm didn’t exist, shutting his eyes and trying to bring his mind elsewhere.

“Don’t make come up there, Jim.” Kirk’s eyes shot open. Spock went into defence-mode.   
Kirk’s eyes wandered over to Spock, attempting to make eye contact that read _‘get rid of him_.’  
Spock, the overly-intelligent being that he was, read Jim’s face like a book, and strode over to the comm.

“Doctor McCoy, this is Spock. Attempting communication with the Captain is causing him visible distress. Please refrain from calling in again. Spock out.” And ended the transmission.

Kirk silently thanked his lucky star-date that Spock and McCoy didn’t always get on very well. It meant that both of them were able to oppose each other without hesitation, but cared for and supported them if they needed it.

“Approaching planet orbit, sir.” Came Sulu’s voice. “We’re in orbit, it’s safe to beam down.” was followed a few minutes later.

Kirk stood up instantly and turned to Spock.

“Spock, with me. Call down to medical and alert Nurse Chapel to assist me.”

Spock hesitated for a second.  
“Captain, might I enquire as to why Nurse Chapel is attending you to the planet surface rather than Doctor McCoy?”

Jim visibly cringed.  
“It’s good to change out the landing party every now and then.” he lied. Well, it was true that _it was good to change the landing party every now and then_ , but that wasn’t the reason he had swapped McCoy for Chapel. And Jim was pretty sure Spock already knew why.

\--

“Ready ta’ beam ye’ down sirs…” then Scott saw Chapel. “..and ma’am.”

Kirk, Spock and Chapel all jumped onto the platform and waited to be beamed down. Scotty shifted the controls around and before they knew it, they were dematerialising. Onto Tarsus IV.

\--

“Remind me, what was the mission again?” Chapel asked 5 minutes after being beamed down.

After a brief pause of silence, Spock and Chapel both turned to look at Kirk as if to enquire why he hadn’t answered yet.

He saw their eyes staring at him.

“Oh uh..” Kirk jolted back into reality. “I-I-It’s.. um..” Kirk swallowed hard and shook his head. “Can’t remember.” he finished quietly.

Spock turned away and faced Chapel, straightening his posture.   
“I believe we are to cover grounds of the planet, to collect physical evidence of the, as you would say, _atrocities_ that were taken place here.”

Chapel looked confused.  
“But the mass-murders here took place _years_ ago. Why now are they fishing for evidence?”

Spock curved away from her and let himself take in the surroundings. It was so… bare.   
No life. No food.  
“That is something you should take up with Starfleet Command.” he answered.

\--

The three walked a couple of miles across the planet, picking up random evidence of the massacre, such as broken weapons, food, even some of the rocks kept their blood stains after all these years.  
“Really can’t imagine what it must have been like to be here..” Chapel mused, picking up another piece of rock.

“The amount of suffering that occurred here, really does appear to be unimaginable to the human mind.” Spock replied, taking the rock and plopping it in a bag.

They eventually ended up in fields and fields of dry land, deflated crops, and complete nothingness. An absolute wasteland.

“I believe this is the area in which food were previously grown.” Spock informed them, gesturing towards the empty dirt fields.

“Yeah..” Chapel’s voice seemed distant with sorrow. “All those people that starved..”

At that moment, Kirk audibly hiccupped. Spock rotated in the spot to look at the younger man; and wanted to kick himself.   
What an illogical emotion he was expressing!   
Jim Kirk had streams of tears down his face, his eyes were puffy and red, and he seemed to be hyperventilating.

Chapel raced over and embraced him, much to Spock’s surprise at this gesture.  
“Oh, Jim..” she quietly hushed.   
At the touch, Jim jumped back and fell onto the dirt.  
_This is the dirt where everyone died._  
_I’m sitting on the dirt of the place where everyone died_  
Everyone died.  
He lunged back into reality with a gasp, realising he was on the floor, on his back, staring party at the sky, and partly at Chapel and Spock, who were bending over him.

“Jim, you may return to the ship if you find this planet.. uncomfortable.” Spock spat the sentence out before he realised he called the Captain by his name.

Kirk’s breath hitched in his throat.  
_Uncomfortable?  
_ He stared up at Spock furiously, his fingers curling into the dirt, seeping into his fingertips. Spock made the logical choice to withdraw.  
“ _Uncomfortable_?” he said out loud, sitting upright and stumbling to his feet.  
“Un..COMFORTABLE?” Kirk lunged forward to attack Spock, while the Vulcan himself did a perfect 180 turn in order to nerve pinch him from behind, but Kirk ducked and kneed Spock in the stomach before he did.   
Chapel grabbed Jim’s wrist and pulled him back.

“Captain.. stop this.” she ushered quietly, gesturing at Spock with a shake of her head to stay away.

 _“IT WAS NOT UNCOMFORTABLE!”_ he bellowed, making another attempt to attack Spock—jumping forward and yelling like a mad-man, while Spock grabbed the man and spun him so his back was against him, wrapping his own arms tightly around the Kirk’s chest to stop him from moving.

“I apologise if I offended you, Captain.” Spock whispered softly, in an attempt to calm him down.

Kirk stopped struggling, and lay slack against the Vulcan.   
“Let’s just move on..” he whined, mostly to himself.

\--

Hours later, the landing party had walked for approximately 26 miles without stopping. The entire planet was lifeless, and if it wasn’t for the cool temperature, would have been similar to that of a bare desert.

They approached a rather large building—or larger than the standards of the smaller ones they had come across.   
Chapel pushed against the door, shaking her head at Spock, to say “Can’t get in.”  
Spock craned his head to the side, then pressed his body against the door, seconds later shoving it inwards. It left the other two people in the party impressed.   
As unemotional as Spock claimed to be, his slight smirk showed that he was obviously pleased with himself.

Pushing into the room, Chapel gasped when she realised where they were.  
“Sickbay!” she breathed, eyes glancing around the room at all the empty beds, blood stained pillows, sheets, walls, floor, and most of all, the medical instruments.

Spock approached a tray of scalpels and brought out his tricorder.  
“Fascinating.” he acknowledged, turning to look at all the other equipment. “It appears that all these instruments are unclean and have not been sterilised.”  
Chapel approached him and read the readings from the tricorder, mentally drawing to the same conclusion.  
“It’s logical to assume that this facility was not used to treat the sick, but rather torture or kill them, and from observing the environment-- in inhumane ways.”

Chapel nodded in agreement. She felt sick to her stomach thinking about how many innocent people were gruesomely tortured.   
“They were probably helpless.” she declared, using a latex glove she had on to pick up a blood-stained scalpel, dropping it into the evidence bag.

**_CLASH._ **

Chapel spun around instantly, her heart dropped when she saw Jim on the floor. With a stab wound to his stomach.

_Oh god._

She rushed up to him, brushing the younger man’s hair back and addressing to the injury.

“Jim? Speak to me! What happened?”

She swallowed hard when she realised what he was stabbed with.

A scalpel.

From the sickbay.

_He had stabbed himself._

Chapel was then craning her head back to Spock and nodded, knowing he would understand what to do. Spock nodded back in acknowledgement and flipped open the communicator.

“Spock to Enterprise, put Doctor McCoy through.” he announced into the contraption. Kirk heard him and visibly tensed up, squeezing his eyes shut in pain from the sudden movement, Chapel rubbing his arm up and down.

"Jim..." Chapel found herself speechless. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know you felt this bad about being here!"

"McCoy here, what's going on? Where's Jim?" Came a gruff voice from Spock's communicator.

"Jim is with us on Tarsus IV, doctor." he explained, thinking over how to word that the Captain of the Enterprise just stabbed himself.

"Jim, stay with me-- no, open your eyes, open your eyes Jim! Spock!" Chapel shouted for the Vulcan as Kirk allowed the life to ebb from him.

"What? What the hell is going on?" McCoy was yelling through Spock's comm now.

"Doctor.." Spock paused, and despite himself, turned to Chapel for reassurance. She desperately nodded.

"Tell him!" she shouted. "He's dying!"

The southern drool spoke again.

"What? Who's dyin'? Jim? Is he alright?"

Spock inhaled.

"Doctor, the Captain has been stabbed."

\--

_Sweet blackness._

_Sweet nothingness._

_Sweet relief._

Jim had no choice in the matter. Everywhere he looked was a reminder why he shouldn't be alive.  
Why he didn't deserve to be alive.  
The thoughts, the voices, the constant hallucinations, they were overwhelming him; wanting to make him beat the shit out of himself with a baseball bat.

But the sickbay.

_Oh, the sickbay._

The very place in which he received his scars and most terrifying memories.

He wanted to cry.  
And off a whim, he stole the same thing that stole his mind of sanity.  
A scalpel. And stabbed himself where it hurt-- his stomach. He felt sick. But the feeling went away the same way as the blood rushed out of him.  
That's one extra scar on his body caused by the very instrument of torture that he was holding.   
Jim thought he made the right decision.  
If he had the energy, he would have smiled. He let his eyes close. He would see his lost friends now.

\--

"Shit! You kiddin' me! God damn it." McCoy went silent and started muttering curses.

"We'll beam you back up, but will send security down to help." he said a few moments later.

Spock hesitated.

"That will not be necessary, doctor." he interjected, rotating to look at Jim.

"Why the hell not? There are still savages on that planet! They could kill you!" McCoy threw at him.

"Doctor, there is no one else here."

The comm was silent.

"The Captain stabbed himself."

A few anxious moments passed before McCoy's voice appeared again.

"Get him on this ship. Now." he hissed, yelling orders at the bridge crew to get them beamed up.

\--

Jim was vaguely aware of the noise and commotion around him. There were voices, serious voices, demanding things of other people.

And a brush of wind against his face.

What happened?

His mind switched to Tarsus.

Oh right. He was on Tarsus.

"Alright Jim, hey, hey, hey, just relax now, kid."

Jim had automatically shot up to defend himself, but was only even more confused when he was being carried down bright halls, the people with him were not of Tarsus. They were clean, wore masks, and one of them had taken theirs off to talk to him.

So he was recognisable.

But Jim did not recognise him.

Jim wanted to ask where he was. He was pushed back down to the bed by the talking man.

"Hnnghg ghh mmm?" Jim gagged instead.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" was the reply. Jim balled his fingers into a fist and let out a small whimper.

The doctor, sighed.

"Do you know where you are, Jim?"

Kirk opened his eyes again, the motion of being rushed somewhere overwhelmed him, his eyes drooping again. He shook his head.

"You're back on the Enterprise. And by all the power invested in me, you're actually _going_ to sickbay this time and _staying_ there."

_Sickbay._

So he was still on Tarsus. And he was being taken to be experimented on.

He jolted upwards and promptly screamed.

_His stomach was on fire!_

" _Burns_!" he bellowed out loud. A pair of hands pressed onto his chest forced him back down; which one hand then lay out and gestured for something to be put in it.

Jim heaved for breath as a hypo was placed in his hand, the man looking at Jim sympathetically.

" ** _No!_** " Jim begged, squirming away and immediately arching his back at the rocketing pain.

"Yes." the man said firmly, and fluently swiped the hypo down to Jim's neck. He hissed at the cold hitting his skin and the sudden pain, but his eyes rolled back, becoming limp.

\--

McCoy cursed to himself over his friend's condition.

The sickbay doors flew open and people sprang into action.

"Get him in the operating theatre, make sure he's heavily sedated, I need to comm Spock." the CMO ordered. Then he paused.

"Actually, nurse, you comm Spock, tell him he's acting Captain, and to meet me in sickbay at 1900 hours."

Chapel gave a quick nod to McCoy and rushed out the room.

\--

As Kirk was wheeled into the OR, his mind pushed him back into consciousness.

He blinked his eyes open, and his heart skipped several beats when he recognised being on a gurney, the blue tinted lights overpowering his senses. He panicked.

"Bones!" he bellowed, sitting up to take in his surroundings and almost throwing up at the state of his body.

Two pairs of hands were pushing him back down, the CMO's face came into view above him, seeming to be the only doctor without a mask.

"Jim?" he asked cautiously, wondering if he really recognised him.

" _God_ " Kirk breathed, his eyes glazing over.

"Yeah, you were involved in an.. _accident_." McCoy lied, pulling Jim's eyelids back as he shut them. Kirk groaned.

"I'm gonna fix you up, then we're going to talk." His eyes narrowed into a scowl. "Seriously. Talk."

Jim almost shivered. Bones' scowl reminded him of something. Something that tickled- no, poked at, his mind.

"On three" he heard McCoy say. "Quickly- one, two, three." Jim was hoisted onto the table, it was freezing cold against his back.

"Thas' cooold.." Kirk murmured, slowly becoming more aware of a burning sensation in his chest. He heard fiddling behind him.

"You won't be feelin' cold for long" McCoy reassured him. "If anything, you'll be _out_ cold."

"Why'm not sleep?"

"I'm tryin' to find a powerful sedative that your dumb ass isn't allergic to."  
Well that explained the fumbling noises.

Out of nowhere, Kirk's stomach suddenly skyrocketed with a sharp pain.

"Ah!-" he reacted, his eyes shooting open, the light to his eyes making him want to vomit.

McCoy grabbed a different hypospray and pressed it gently against his neck.

"We need to operate, doctor." Chapel warned him, watching Kirk's vitals slowly drop.

Jim inhaled slowly and deeply, in some kind of dreamy state.

"Bones..." he whispered, an arm outstretched to keep a grip on the world.   
A shrill alarm sounded, alerting the doctors of another problem. McCoy darter back to the monitors.

"Damn it, he's going into hypovolemic shock," McCoy grumbled, and felt himself begin to panic, grabbing a set of hypos and wheeling them over on a tray.

"I.. don't..want.. hyp-hyp-h-h-"  
Jim then felt a cold sting against his neck, followed by another, and another, and another.

" _S-stop!"_ he choked, flashbacks of Tarsus re-emerging, noticing his vision blurring, his consciousness willing him to sleep.

McCoy took another look at the monitors.

"We have to start now. He won't feel anything and should be too out of it to notice."

Chapel nodded at the controlled voice of the CMO.

"We do this the old fashioned way." he informed them, eyes analysing the stab wound, "Could need to do a thoracoscopy. Scalpel."

Chapel quickly obeyed; giving quick glances to the vitals in case it showed signs of pain.   
McCoy grunted at the sudden burst of blood once the scalpel in Jim's chest was removed.

"Clamp here, I'm gonna' get a regenerator." he declared, manoeuvring his hand so that Chapel could push down onto the wound.

"You doing okay there Jim?" Chapel asked lightly.

There was a grunt coming from the younger man, and then "feel sick."

McCoy returned with the device.

"It'll be done soon," he reassured him, shrugging his shoulders while making eye contact with the half-conscious man.

He hovered the regenerator above the wound, Jim's vital signs soon stabilising.

"Okay, try to take your hand off him," he ordered Chapel, becoming satisfied when the readings remained stable.

"I can finish up here, doctor." Chapel told him gently. The CMO nodded wearily.  
\--

Leaving the OR, McCoy dragged himself back to his office and slumped into the chair.  
He wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to take Jim constantly getting himself into shit. It’s not normal for Captains to get extensively injured on _every. single. mission._  
Staring into space for a few moments, he moved his eyes to his desk, and slowly leaned forward until his head was in his arms, and fell asleep.  
\--

The CMO was startled awake by a ringing noise.  
_Shit, Jim was in trouble again?_   
Instinctively, he shot up out of his chair, momentarily realising he fell asleep on duty, and then brushed it off to grab the nearest hypo with the title “Hypo’s that Jim-Isn’t-Allergic-To” written in huge bold red letters.

Then froze when he saw Chapel standing in front of the shutting office door, looking staggered.   
His shoulders fell and he sat back down again, defeated.  
_What had the kid done to him?_

“I.. just wanted to tell you that Jim is awake now. He’s completely fine, though slurring his words a bit.”

“That’ll be the pain meds..” his eyes darted to the nurses’ face in suspicion, “You _did_ give him pain meds?”

Chapel smirked a bit and shifted her weight to the side.  
“Of course I did. And before you say it—no, he’s not allergic to it.” She explained, eying the hypo in his hand.

McCoy sluggishly stood up, folding his arms and making his way to the door to see Jim.   
It was going to have to be an extremely interesting conversation.  
\--

“Ssssss’ Boooones!” came a loud voice before the CMO had even entered the room.   
McCoy squinted as soon as he saw him.

“ _Jim_. You feelin’ alright? Any pain?” he asked, striding up to him and checking his vitals.

“Mmmmm…” was the Captain’s slurred reply, rolling his head around the pillow. “There’s an elephant on my stomach”

McCoy turned to Chapel.  
“So, you’re in pain?” he directed at Jim, but stared at Chapel while saying it, accusingly.

“Yeeeeahhh but only a little bit.. hmmm” Kirk rolled onto his side and attempted to sit up.

McCoy shot over.   
“Whoa whoa, _oh no you don’t_.”   
Jim was shoved back down again. He grunted.

“I need to.. resume command of the Ent’prs”

“Not like this you’re not.” McCoy plunged a hypo dosed with pain killers into Jim’s neck, who squirmed on impact, groaning.

“Not like what?” Kirk asked innocently. He heard the CMO sigh reluctantly.

“Jim, do you remember what happened before you were brought into my sickbay?”

Jim’s face was intense with thought, seemingly pondering every mind-boggling equation it could fathom to come up with. His eyes lit up suddenly;

“You had no mask on and told me to shuddup!”

McCoy took a frustrated exhale and shook his head.  
“No, Jim.” he closed his eyes for a second. “Look Jim, I’m not going to sugar-coat this. You stabbed yourself.”

There wasn’t even a hesitation in Jim before he had started laughing.  
“Ahhh… good one B’nes.”

McCoy took a large stride over to his patient and leaned in closely.  
“I’m not joking! You were brought up here with a stab wound, and I intend to find out why!”

Jim’s head lulled from side to side.   
“Well.. you answered your own question a minute ago..”   
McCoy’s face looked confused.  
“You said.. that I stabbed myself, that’s why I have a stab wound.”

McCoy gave a breathy exhale and rolled his eyes to the sky in frustration.  
“ _Why_ did you hurt yourself, Jim?”

The younger man shrugged, oblivious to the situation.  
“Dunno.. can I go to sleep now?”

“ ** _Jim_**.” The CMO’s voice was daring him now.

But Kirk didn’t know what to say. He really didn’t remember.   
He just woke up in McCoy’s OR, then was briefly knocked out, then woke up with pain in his stomach.  
Staring up at the ceiling and ignoring his doctor complaining at him, Kirk tried to think back to the last thing he could remember.   
_Let’s see,_ Jim thought.  
_I was on a planet, with Spock and… Scotty?_ He contemplated this. _No--Chapel.  
Which planet? It was pretty bare, kinda like a desert of sorts. _ A sinking feeling dug deeper into his gut, but he couldn’t find out why, so he ignored it.  
_Vulcan? No, there was no-one there. And Vulcan is.. gone._ Jim froze. His eyes grew wide, and seconds later, an alarm start screeching. His biobed alarm.  
_Gone. All gone. Everyone is gone. All my friends, all the children, all the crops, the food, everything-everything-everything._ Jim’s eyes searching wildly for his captive. His heart thudded in his chest.  
_Fuck, it’s getting hard to breathe._

“Damn it—you remember now, don’t you?” was the in-control voice of his CMO.  
Jim continued wheezing for breath. He found himself suddenly readjusting his eyes to the ceiling, with McCoy standing over him, gruffly ordering people around, judging by the look on his face.   
“Jim, tell me what you remember.” McCoy asked with smoothly, a lot calmer than Jim was used to. Kirk shook his head wildly.

“ _I can’t_.”

“Yeah you can; come on, it’s alright. It’ll be confidential between us.”

Jim wanted to shake his head again in protest, but he couldn’t summon the energy. Black spots surrounded his vision, the feeling of vertigo and nausea taking over. He felt himself sink.

“ _Jim_!” was the last thing he heard before succumbing to the beautiful darkness.

 

_**TBC..** _


	3. Return to Tarsus - Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim is obsessed with going back to Tarsus to show everyone how strong he is, while simultaneously screwing with McCoy's handiwork, which leads him to a bad place..

"What happened?" Chapel came bustling into the room at the sound of the alarm.

"I encouraged him to remember what happened, he froze, had a panic attack, passed out from lack of oxygen" he informed her, striding up to the side of Jim's bed.

"Pass me the TriOx compound and ventilate him."

Chapel wordlessly obeyed him instantly. He was lucky to have such competent staff.

McCoy grabbed the TriOx from Chapel and administered it into Kirk's arm, while Chapel strapped a mask of oxygen to his face.

"Just a precaution." he added, after realising how much was done to him over a panic attack.

…

Only ten minutes passed before Kirk began waking up again.

His eyes sluggishly moved to the side, to meet McCoy's face. The doctor was sitting next to him. Jim swallowed hard as he remembered what had happened just minutes before, his heart rate increasing again.

"Okay kid," McCoy began, hauling the top of the biobed slightly more into a sitting position.

"Sit up."

Jim slowly obeyed.

_He's gonna hypo me again. I can't do this. Not again. Not now._

McCoy turned to the side, rummaging through his bag for a while.   
Jim's heart thudded in his chest.

Several hypos. He realised with dread.

He couldn't stop the shakiness that threatened to take over his body. As he waited for his final redemption; McCoy brought out not a hypopray- but a small container, filled to the brim with liquid.  
The container touched his lips, followed by "Drink up." The CMO's eyebrows rose as he spoke.

"What's that?" Jim looked at the concoction disgusted.

"It's morphine. But liquid form."

Jim raised his hand to the container, grunting in frustration as his hands wouldn't stop shaking long enough.

McCoy's face relaxed in sympathy.

"It's alright, let me," he soothed, placing a hand behind the Captain's head to hold, tipping the container into his mouth.

Jim grimaced at the taste, his face scrunched up.

"What the hell is in that?"

McCoy rolled his eyes.

"Morphine?" the word dripped with sarcasm.

Jim groaned and rested back into the bed.

"Why?"

"I'm saving you from the hypos. Thought you'd be happy?" he mused, patting him on the shoulder and turning to leave.

Kirk was about to ask him to stay until he realised- the CMO not being in the room would be a perfect chance to escape.

\--

Scotty was chilling around in the engineering room, feeling unfathomable amounts of boredom. He'd been stationed in the room for the past six hours with absolutely nothing to do, apart from the occasional check of each console.

Much to his delight, the door hissed open, revealing McCoy storming in. His delight quickly diminished.

"I want these transported down to Yorktown as soon as we come near the station." he stated, handing over the bag of nightmares to Scotty.

"What's tha' Yorktown doin' with this?"

"Starfleet Command agreed to rendezvous with us there since we're low on power, can't achieve a decent warp speed or something" McCoy glanced around the room, noticing how empty it was. "Where's the small alien kid?"

Scotty stared at him as if offended.

"The wee man is not an alien!"

McCoy gave him the eyebrow.

"..I think he's in the mess hall." Scotty quickly added.

McCoy purched forward and nodded. "Thanks."

\--

The next day, Jim was back to his usual antics.

"For the last time Jim, you are not beaming back down on Tarsus!" The doctor was yelling across to him in the sickbay

Jim sat up angrily in protest.

"I need to be with them! Please Bones, whatever happened yesterday won't happen again."

McCoy's lips drew into a thin line, his eyes narrowing. Jim didn't flinch.

"You haven't even told me why you did it." he deadpanned, and Jim knew what he was talking about.

"I don't wanna talk about it!" he whined, dropping an arm across his face.

"Jim," the CMO's voice suddenly got dark. "You have no idea how serious this is." he strode towards his friend and almost hissed at him; "You beamed yourself down to that planet and tried to kill yourself, Jim. You almost died. Alright? And now you're asking me for clearance to go back?" he slammed an elbow against the wall. "The answer is no."

Jim rolled away from McCoy and folded his arms across his chest.

"You can't order me around." he muttered under his breath.

"Oh yes I can." McCoy replies, somehow managing to hear him.

Kirk tuts in frustration and shuts his eyes.

The CMO glances up at the vitals, taking note of his resps and heartbeat being raised from the anger.

Shaking his head, McCoy picks up a sedative from the tray and purposefully jabs it as hard as he can into Kirk's neck.

The younger man sharply inhaled, following by a quiet "Ffffuck! Fuck you Bones!"

The doctor smiles, satisfied with the vitals stabilising, and leaves the room once again.

Jim hated when Bones was like this. And he most of all hated being told what to do.

…

" _Booones_!" he yells an hour later.

McCoy came darting into the room and almost on top of Jim before you could say "doctor".

His vitals were fine.

McCoy scanned him with the small medical device, Jim staring at him as it hummed.

"What are you doing?" Jim asked, confused.

McCoy placed the device aside.

"What'd you call me for? Your vitals are fine and you're not in any discomfort."

Jim gave him a huge smile. The CMO dreaded what was next.

"Can I go now?"

McCoy rolled his eyes dramatically and slumped into the empty chair next to his patient.

"No," he sighed, resting his head in his hands.

"Bonesss" Jim tried to think of a good argument. His voice dropped to a serious tone.

"I need to face my fears, y'know? I can't go on being afraid like this all the time, there's bound to be another mission related to Tarsus soon."

McCoy lifted his head and eyed Jim for lies. There were none. He breathed quietly.

"Jim, if I let you go, swear on your Captain's oath that you will tell me if you start to experience anything that you think will lead to what happened yesterday." McCoy explained, shifting himself to another position. "That includes weird thoughts, discomforts, fear, extreme anger, wanting to cry, feeling nauseous or faint, the whole lot."

Jim nodded quickly in excitement, finally he would show his crew that he's not going to crumble.

\--

Jim stood tall and proudly back on Tarsus IV, giving himself reassurance to help him see the mission through.  
Chapel and Spock had beamed back down with him, with Spock keeping his eye on him every second of the way.

In fact, keeping his eye on him a little too much.

Jim turned to look at the Vulcan for the 6th time that minute, and he was still watching him.

"Spock!" Kirk breathed in frustration, "I'm not going to collapse! Stop staring at me!"

Spock seemed to consider his words.

"The possibility that you will relapse, is nin-"

"I don't want to know." he hissed back at him.

 _I'm not going to relapse_. He told himself.   
_I'm not._

McCoy followed Spock to the desk, taking out old scraps of paper. There was nothing so far that showed the captives had used an electronic log.

"This is pointless" McCoy complained, stepping away from the desk, Spock still searching.

Without moving from the desk, Spock said "Have you considered the possibility that the medical log was purposefully hidden?"

McCoy scoffed. "And where would you hide a log with details to all the crimes you commit?"

Spock looked up at him in wonder.

"Doctor, I can assure that there is no crime I have commit."

"Nevermind" The doctor grunted, waving him off. He received a raised eyebrow from Spock in return.

_beep beep!_

A tricorder alerted the crew. Everyone looked at their tricorders confused until McCoy muttered curses under his breath, storming away to find the Captain.

"Jim! Where are ya?"

The Captain appeared from the bathroom doors; smiling, McCoy rushed over and scanned him.

"'Sup?" he asked, glancing down at the doctor's tricorder.

"Your heart-rate suddenly spiked. All normal now though. You okay?" he took Jim's hand, fingers curling around his wrist to find a pulse.

"A little fast." he read from his tricorder. "Come sit down." McCoy lead him to a biobed, the Captain strangely obliged. He grunted to get onto the bed, which was slightly higher than the biobeds on the Enterprise.

"There we go," McCoy nodded, then turning back to the desk again.

"Doctor, I believe I have found a device." Spock called from under the desk.

McCoy strode up to him, peering under the filthy wood.

"Yeah, looks like a medical log alright. Try play it back, see what's on there."

"The device has significant damage. I require time to repair it."

"Yeah? Take as long as you need, but we don't have all day.

"Of course Doctor." Spock disappeared under the desk again. McCoy rotated around to Jim, catching him swaying with his own two eyes.

"Hey, hey!" he called out to him, "Jim!" A pair of hands were on Jim's face, his eyes opening at the touch.

McCoy fiddled with the tricorder with one hand, grasping the scanner and running it over Jim's body.

His blood ran cold.

"Spock!" Bones yelled, laying the Captain down so he was facing the ceiling. "Get us beamed out, now!" his voice was almost shaky in panic.

"Jim, open your eyes for me," his hands were cradling the man's face. Jim sluggishly opened them, and offered the doctor a smirk.

"What did you do?" McCoy asked him, running the scanner over his head again.

"N'thin" was his reply.

"Yeah you did, you idiot, your chemicals are completely out of whack!"

Jim shrugged, and let his eyes fluttered shut again.

"Damn it!" The doctor complained.

"Doctor, I cannot reach the Enterprise"

McCoy stamped over to Spock and snatched the communicator off him.

"McCoy to Enterprise"

A brief pause.

"McCoy to Enterprise! Answer me!"

Still no response.

"Keep trying, go stand outside or something," the CMO threw the comm back to him and turned his eyes to Jim in time to realise he was about to expel his stomach's contents.

"Right, Chapel help me log roll him," the nurse quickly approached Jim, both rolling him onto his side, rewarded with a shaky moan and a failed gagging sound.

"Nnnn..." Jim moaned again.

"You're okay. Spock is trying to contact the ship. Just hang in there." McCoy scanned over Jim's vulnerable body, and managed to stop himself from gasping. Chapel detected his alarm.

"What is it doctor?" she asked, peering over to the tricorder.

McCoy's face went grim.

"Drugs. A lot of them."

Chapel inhaled quietly, knowing the severity of the situation and how they could do absolutely nothing down here.

"Overdose, on several of them." McCoy passed the tricorder to the nurse, "Look."

Jim was dangerously near to death. His vitals were dropped low, but not before his heart was sent hammering in his chest at inhuman speeds. It was only a matter of minutes before Jim's heart would stop from the strain, and there was nothing here that could be done to fix it.

McCoy shook his head in disbelief.

"I'm sorry Jim" he muttered under his breath, so that Chapel couldn't hear. "I'm so sorry."

There was a raspy inhale, and then "S'ok Bones... I get... to be.. with them now.."

McCoy was almost embarrassed that Jim had heard him like that.

"Jim. I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself. Stabbing yourself, overdosing on drugs-- why, kid, why?" Bones shut his eyes, his panic was setting in. "What happened here that made you do this? Kid I'm not just asking as your doctor, I'm asking as your friend. Okay? You're.. you're this close to dyin' right now and Spock can't get into contact with the ship, if it happens there's nothing down here I can do-- Jim, why?" McCoy stopped himself from speaking anymore, hating he was showing weakness.

Two pairs of eyes gradually opened, the blue slits sending relief down McCoy's spine.

"I was one.. of the.. survivors.."

McCoy's eyes grew wide.

"..of..Tarsus.."

Bones opened his mouth to speak and closed it again.

_What?_

"Doctor, the Enterprise can only lock onto your signal if you stand outside." came Spock.

"What?" McCoy repeats to Jim, staring wide eyed at him.

"Doctor."

McCoy snapped back to reality "...Yeah yeah alright, come on Jim."

He spun around to help him but the man's eyes were shut again.

"Dammit," he muttered, kneeling down next to him and slapping two hands onto his face.

"Come on, wake up," he urged, beginning to feel a surge of panic when he didn't respond.

McCoy shook his shoulders a little, waiting for a sign.

"Jim! Don't do this to me, you idiot.." he pushed fingers onto his friend's neck, a pulse was there but very weak.

Before McCoy could encourage the unconscious man further, a blue figure swooped the Captain up into his arms and trodded off outside.

McCoy scowled.

"We must get outside. You cannot help Jim if we are not on board the Enterprise."

Guess that makes sense. Bones allowed Spock to win that argument. The sooner they get back on the ship, the better.

\--

"He's taken something on Tarsus. Can't tell if it's because something contaminated the pill that made him sick or if it was the pill itself. He fell unconscious again 4 minutes ago and hasn't showed signs of awareness. He needs a gastric lavage procedure, get him in the OR. Now!" McCoy shouted the orders, staring worriedly at Jim, who was laying pale and rigid on the biobed while being rushed down from the transporter room to sickbay on a stretcher.

\--

In an attempt to keep the man alive, Bones skillfully jabbed Kirk in the neck with adrenaline. His eyes instantly shot open, but he remained still.

Jim stared curiously at Bones' face above him.

" _Wooow_ " he slurred, lifting a hand to touch the puzzled doctors' face.

McCoy gently lowered it.

"What's wrong?"

Jim smiled.

"Booooones!"

The frown lines in the doctor's face were deepening.

Jim enjoyed the cold breeze of air against his face as he was being rushed down several corridors.

"I think he's getting delirious," Jim heard the doctor say albeit breathlessly. "Whatcha thinkin' about, Jim?"

Kirk rolled his head to the left, where McCoy was running, and licked his lips. He needed water.

"Mmmmm"

He wasn't sure how to tell them he was thirsty.

"In here," McCoy was ordering from next to him. "Jim, do you know what drugs you took?"

Kirk couldn't remember. Heck, he couldn't even remember taking drugs.

"Bones" he says instead, hoping that he'll miraculously know what Kirk wants.

"Get him on the table, keep the lights at 50% percent for now, because of his eyes."

Jim looked around nervously at the large white room. They were using evasive manoeuvres to get his fidgeting body on the bed.

Then Jim's eyes brightened. He remembered the word!

" _Water_ " he rasped, looking desperately at McCoy, who was trying to get his scrubs on.

"I can't do that kid, you're about to have surgery," McCoy informed him, straightening out his shirt and striding over to Jim.

The young Captain frowned.

"Please" he pushed, feeling the dryness of his tongue and lips, feeling like he hadn't had liquid touch him for days.

McCoy sighed.

"Jim, I promise you can have all the water you want, after I'm done."

McCoy pushed a drug into Kirk’s neck, watching him instantly fall back unconscious onto the biobed.

“Pathetic” he muttered to himself.

\--

" _Bones-Bones-Bones-"_ Jim was awake 2 hours later and scrambling to the other side of the room.

"Hey. Hey hey, hey! Hey look at me!" McCoy brought Jim's chin up to face him.

"Bones, please help me quickly" Jim cried under his breath.

"Jim, what's going on? Come and sit down, come with me." The good doctor led him to the back room of the sickbay.

"Bones-" Jim was gently pushed down to sit on a biobed. "It felt like my skull was crushing and I couldn't move and I was paralysed and I was looking forward then I started shaking really hard and it was like a seizure and it went black and oh god-"

"Breathe, Jim. In through your nose, out through your mouth."

"B-Bones-"

"In and out. Follow my breathing, okay?"

Jim didn't notice Chapel creep up behind him, a mask to compensate for his breathing helped him relax.

"Tell me again in a minute, you gotta calm down first." McCoy soothed, his eyebrows furrowed, then decided to push the kid back so he was laying down.

Jim exhaled shakily, gripping onto the edge of the biobed.

" _Holy fuck"_

McCoy waited a few minutes before trying again, Jim's breathing slowing down from rapid gasps to small hiccups.

"Try again, Jim." he placed a supportive hand on the younger man's shoulder, a smile plastered across his face.

Jim gave a small nod, taking a deep breath before saying;

"I woke up paralysed.. I saw everything above me.. some big figure was crushing me.. I started shaking really bad..then everything went..black.." his eyes fluttered shut, an alarm blared from the bed at the same time.

"Dammit, internal bleed." McCoy muttered, rolling up the Captain's shirt. It became obvious to him how rapid the man was breathing. "I need a Dermal regenerator," McCoy called out to the nurse who had barged in.

"What happened?" the nurse gave him the regenerator.

"If what he says is true, his seizure disrupted his wound" McCoy ran the regenerator over the Captain's chest, becoming increasingly concerned over the shallowing of his breathing.

" _Seizure_?" The nurse asks as if asking for a definition of the word.

"Yeah. I'll have to look into that." he pulled over a set of bandages across Jim's chest to cover the wound. "Hold this here will you? I'm gonna take a blood sample and analyse it."

The nurse nodded, taking over the task of pressing down on the bandaged wound.

Kirk's eyes blinked back open again, rolling around the pillow and eventually focusing on the nurse.

"He's coming around doctor!"

McCoy looked up to Jim's face, and offered a reassuring smile.

"It's alright Jim. You started bleeding again but it's all under control now."

McCoy's words sounded foreign in Jim's ears.

"Wha doin'?" Jim's eyes drifted towards the doctor holding his arm.

"Oh yeah. I'm gonna take a blood sample." he replies, jamming the device into his arm, making Kirk jump.

"AH--! Bones!"

"Don't be such an infant." he removed the device, handing it to the nurse's free hand. "Go take that to Spock. I want to deal with Jim"

The nurse nodded and jaunts off to the comm.

“Waking up paralysed is very rare with sedatives Jim.” The doctor was saying, staring at his vitals even though he’d seen it 12 times. “Maybe you’re allergic to the hypo. Again.”

"Hey Bones?" Jim felt relieved that is mind was clearing, let alone his voice. He felt lucky, even in a situation like this.

"Yeah kid?" The CMO took his attention away from his PADD and turned to his patient.

"I wanna go back to Tarsus. Tell the landing party."

McCoy's face at that moment could have been mistaken for a cop experiencing someone admit to manslaughter.

"You want to _what_?" he asked in disbelief.

Jim cringed at his friend's expression, but persisted.

"Please! I will only go--"

"Jim. Look at me in the eye. Right now." McCoy's eyes darkened.

Kirk knew that with McCoy's tone, now was a very rare moment where he had to listen to the man. A rare moment in which McCoy spoke with such determined seriousness, it couldn't be ignored or twisted into a joke.

"You. Are. Not. Going. Back. On. That. Planet."

Jim felt himself pale, his heart dropped to his stomach.

"If you so _dare_ as to even mention that planet again, I will not hesitate to hypo your backside into 48 hours of sleep."

Jim hastily nodded, wanting his friend to stop being so annoyed with him. Being a carefree frequently-tripping-up-leader was one thing, but it seems Bones had finally hit his limits what with Jim scaring him half to death with his own stupidity.

"In fact, I'm going to do that now."

That does it.

Jim shot up, dodging the attacks of flying hyposprays from McCoy and leaped from the bed, darting for the door.

His best friend hated him. Finally. Jim's carelessness hit rock bottom.

 _Run. Get away_ ; were the only things being repeated. He felt sick to his stomach, his eyes wanting to drift shut, the aching behind his eyes increasing.

_He lost his best friend._

_He lost his best friend._

_He lost his--_

Bile went everywhere. His stomach suddenly empties it's contents, his eyes getting more and more tired.  
Footsteps soon caught up with him. There was silence, likely from the sight of vomit that beheld whoever it was, before a voice.

"Jim, _with me."_

Of course it'd be Bones.

"Can't" Jim breathed, wobbling on his feet. He noticed he was getting hotter and hotter. And that wasn't just external!

McCoy was advancing at him with a hypospray in hand.   
Jim cringed away, blinking rapidly at the tiredness his own mind was feeling.

"Wait!" he commanded, not wanting the repulsive device to go further. McCoy hesitated.

Jim felt a hot flush, a wave of nausea caught him by surprise.

_Oh crap._

He felt his vision tunnel, sliding down the wall behind him. Kirk stumbles forward, determined to keep walking. His legs wobbled more, he could feel beams of sweat running down the side of his head. He let out a cry as his legs gave in.

A pair of hands had instinctively latched onto Jim's arms and hauled him to a standing position.

"Jim! Jim calm down man!" was belted out in his ear. Jim turned his head to face the source of the noise, his vision splitting into two with the room blurring. Bones was holding him against the turbolift door. Jim wondered how the hell he got there.

"Bones.." he acknowledged, his vision tunnelling again.

"You need to come with me," he said slowly. Jim ignored everything he said, desperately needing to tell Bones how sick he felt.

He stumbled forward again, McCoy pushed him gently against the wall.

" _Gonna faint_ " he said simply, feeling the heat rise on his skin, breathing getting harder, almost feeling like he had to force every inhale.

"I'm gonna get a stretcher, there's no way I'm makin' you walk now" McCoy grabbed at and threw open his communicator before Jim could get a word in.

Kirk's vision stumbled, his breathing becoming audibly laboured.

_I'm-gonna-faint-i'm-gonna-faint-i'm-gonna-faint…_

"Bonesss" he murmured, allowing his arms to fall slack from McCoy's shoulders to his sides.

"Stay with me Jim," McCoy warned, opening his med kit and checking the contents of practically everything in every hypospray.

" _Booonnes_ " Jim continued, instantly his eyes fluttered shut, unable to stay awake.

McCoy put a hand against Jim's neck, sighing in relief when he could feel a pulse. He used his other hand to jab the contents of adrenaline into his neck.

Jim's eyes flew open.

"No sleeping," he said, checking behind him for the backup. No such luck.

Just then, the turbolift doors opened, 3 nurses bustling down the corridors.

“Take him down to sickbay. I’m pretty sure he’s disrupted the wound on his chest. Again.” McCoy handed one of the nurses a hypo, “Look for this in the sickbay. Give him a shot of this every 4 hours for 2 days.”

The nurse glanced up at him in confusion. “But sir, this is a sedative..?”

“Yeah, this idiot isn’t going to be moving for 2 days. This is the second time he’s pounced from his bed and fucked with my handy work.” McCoy grumbled, “Hurry up.”

The only thing Jim could think about, was Tarsus.

 _I’ll go back there on my own;_ he thought.

_I’m gonna find Kodos._

Then, Jim’s eyes rolled to the back of his head, his body going rigid.   
McCoy noticed instantly, putting two fingers onto Jim’s carotid artery.

Nothing.

“Stop!” McCoy shouted at the nurses, pulling the Captain’s eyelids back and offending them with a penlight.

“Not responding. He’s in cardiac arrest.” The CMO darted his head around and bit his lip in desperation. “ _Go! Now!”_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Some mention of dream-state torture in this chapter.

The doors to the sickbay flew open, a stretcher accompanied by the CMO and several nurses came charging into the room.

The trolley smacked against the door to the operating theater, making a similar reprising role of when Kirk was first transported out of Tarsus as a kid.

He was lobbed onto the table, a nurse began cutting off his already half torn and blood-stained golden shirt.

"Bag him," McCoy ordered, dragging over some very hefty looking defibrillators.

_If all else fails, resort to dark age stuff._

Another nurse attached an oxygen mask to the man's face, preparing to close the stab wound to Kirk's chest for the third time.

"Okay hands away--" McCoy set off the machine to shock him, sending the Captain off to a bumpy ride on the table.

"Still no output," called one of the nurses.

"Dammit.." McCoy jabbed a hypo into the side of Jim's neck, then turned to Chapel. "Start a blood transfusion, half of it is probably on the corridor floors of this tin can," he retorted, setting the voltage amount on the defibs higher.

"Hands off."

 _Smack_.

The same time as Jim's head hit the table, the god send of a sound named "Kirk's heartbeat" started wailing on the monitors.

"He's back in sinus rhythm.." Chapel called, relieved, finishing the blood transfusion.

"Alright, I'm not wasting any time." McCoy strode back over to the table and glared menacingly at the opened wound. There was a very high chance he'd go back into cardiac arrest again if that wound wasn't closed.

"Give me that regenerator. Set it to the second lowest setting." McCoy said, "Make sure it heals it slowly and effectively." he hovered the device over Jim's chest, getting a strange feeling of de ja vu.

….

12 minutes later, McCoy stood back and shook his aching arm around.

"If I have to close that wound again I'm gonna make him do it himself" he grumbled, tossing the regenerator aside.

Quiet high beeps started coming from the monitors.

"Doctor, he's coming around," a nurse read from the vitals.

"Oh, no you don't!" The CMO replied, grabbing a hypo from the tray and jamming it into Jim's neck.

" _Nnnnnnn_..." he groaned, attempting to fight off the drug like the idiot he was.

"Go back to sleep Jim." McCoy told him.

Jim's eyes refused the doctor's command and slowly slid open.

...

"Close your eyes Jim." was the first thing he heard.

Jim shook his head, determined to stay awake.

"Four shots of these for two days?" a quiet voice in the background dragged him closer to the surface.

"Yeah, should keep him asleep for two days."

Wait.

_Two days?_

_McCoy was going to make him sleep for two days?_

"No" he forced himself to breathe. The doctor's face looked exasperated from above him.

"Yes" the face said.

"Buh' ship die w'thou' m'"

"No it won't." The face was staring at someone angrily, mouthing something to them that Jim was too tired to even attempt to understand.

Shortly after, Jim wished that he did, as he was stabbed in the neck with a hypo. Again.

_Shit. He was going to be asleep for 2 days._

_48 hours._

_But he needed to go back to Tarsus._

"Hate you," was the last thing he managed to splutter out before finally giving into the pull of the drug.

\--

Void. Darkness. He was drifting through a dark empty void of nothing. Loneliness. Nothing. Dark. Empty. Void. Alone.

Alone.

 

_Alone._

 

_Empty._

_Drifting._

 

 _Noise_. Jim heard a noise. Perhaps he wasn't alone. Or his mind was playing tricks on him. Because he was in a void. Alone.

A gentle hustle and bustle. A buzzing white noise that grew louder. And quieter.

_The Void._

_Nothing._

_Alone._

" _Heart....'hrough.. roof..."_

A human voice. A real voice. There was someone in the void with him!

Jim felt himself push to the surface as he realised this. He pulled and pushed, struggled, dragging himself, out of breath. The void wanted him to stay, but Jim didn't want to.

A fast beeping sound. Constant beeping. High pitched beeping.

Aching in his chest, heavy aching.

 _"..in pain.."_ a voice drifted past him, and everything was silence again.

Pain.

_Pain._

He knew where he was.

He was where he tried to be.

The world was his, and it was like a dream. Dream.

Jim was dreaming. And the void was no longer a void.

Dreaming.

_The pain._

_Pain._

_Tarsus._

_Kodos._

Kodos was experimenting on him again, and he was in _pain_.

He had given himself to Kodos so that the child might live.

 

" _The girl is dying, James"_ the bitter voice of the executioner echoed through the void.

Jim battled to the voice. He had to save her.

He battled hard, pulling through the darkness, clawing his way through. Until it all came into view.

 

Kodos was deadpanning above him. No emotion. No expression. Just his eyes glaring down into Jim's soul, the feeling making him nauseous and scared. Fearful. Terrified.

Kodos twisted away from Jim, and stood out the way, revealing a girl. She was on a table next to him, conscious, but crying.

He realised he was in a sickbay.

"Jim! Jim please help me! You told me you’d help me!" the girl sobbed, receiving a slap in the face by the man.

Jim tried to speak, but found he couldn't. His mouth couldn't open. His captive gave a gut-wrenching smile.

"You talk too much. Your lips are sewn together."

Jim felt his stomach turn. He needed to be sick.

"Your turn." Kodos turned to the girl. "Your death will improve the spirit of James!"

The girl screamed.

"No! Please don't hurt me! I didn't even do anything! Jim! James! Please! Jim! Ji-"

Jim's neck wouldn't move, and he watched in horror as the girl's neck was slit open with a knife in the hands of Kodos. She gurgled, her eyes rolling back as the life slowly left her, while Jim screamed his throat raw, with no sound going past his lips, screaming from the inside of his mouth but no more.

"Are you gonna tell me more about Starfleet now?" Kodos asked him.

Jim rapidly shook his head. Kodos looked disappointed in him, then grinned.

"Then I guess I'll have to do this;"

Kodos picked up the girl by the hair, dragging her off the table, making Jim want to cry the second he heard the girl's neck snap. His captive threw her outside, then marched back over to him.

"Perhaps you're too impassive to care about other people." the man hissed in Jim's face.

Jim's body was shaking, his limbs chattering against the table, his eyes burned with tears of fear and sadness.

"Let's try this," Kodos picked up something Jim swore he recognised, but didn't know the name of.

With the press of a button, the roar of fire burst out the end of the device, Jim could feel the heat from where he was laying.

As Kodos inched closer to him, Jim began blinking rapidly, the searing heat burning his eyes.

Kodos shoved an elbow into Jim's stomach. The flame was forced into Jim's neck.

"Call." _Burn_. "Starfleet" _Burn_. "Command." _Burn_. "Right."

" ** _MMMMM!"_** Jim's eyes were practically screaming at his torturer in fiery white hot pain.

" _NOW_!" Kodos yelled back. Jim didn't answer. There were a few moments of tense silence and shuddering of terrified limbs before--

"Alright then." and the fire was again burned into Jim's neck. Except this time, it didn't disappear. Kodos held it there, burning and burning.

Jim could feel his flesh burning, his body was almost seizing from the amount of sheer pain he was in, bile dribbled out his mouth, while he continued to scream inside his throat.

His eyes rolled back in his head. And there was once again the void. Loneliness. Fear. Dread.

..

He shot up with a huge gasp, his mouth could move!

Jim sucked in all the air he could, then proceeded to vomit the contents of his stomach onto his lap, his body still shuddering in fear.

A nurse grabbed him by the shoulders, to which Jim reacted by throwing them across the room.  
He was stronger than he first anticipated.

"Sir! You need to calm down!" the nurse on the floor said. "Your heart rate is through the roof!"

 _I wonder damn well why,_ Jim thought to himself, somehow feeling out of control of his body. He knew he was over-reacting, but his fight-or-flight instincts had him using superhuman strength.

As another nurse tries to grip onto his shoulder, Jim latches onto her shirt and hauls her across the room, with him falling off the bed.

Chapel walked into the room at that moment.

"What on earth is going on?" she asked, then making eye contact with Jim on the floor.

With one hell of a scream, Jim lunged towards her.

" _Arrrrrggghh_!" he barged into a doctor on the way. Another nurse looked up at Chapel.

" _Get McCoy_!" she shouted at her desperately. She took one more glance at Jim and legged it out the room.

_Good, they have to get reinforcements. That means I'm stronger than them._

"Captain, please get back onto the bed.." a nurse asked him delicately.

"No way" he replied moodily. "I stay here" Being trapped on the biobed, of course, was just another way of Kodos’ ‘friends’ to hurt him.

"Sir please--"

" _NO_!" he screamed, lunging after her like a rabid animal. " _NO NO NO NO NO--_ "

The nurse was backed up against the wall, panting desperately, half in fear and half breathlessness.

"Captain! Stop! This violent behaviour isn't like you! _This isn't you!_ "

He launched himself at her, throwing punches, wailing in tears at every cry.

"NO, NO! No, no, no.." Jim stopped shouting in protest, realising the screaming was draining him, while simultaniously realising he'd made a fool of himself in public. This certainly wasn't him.

"Jim?” a comfortingly familiar voice boomed behind him. ”Jim, breathe for me.” A hand gripped his arm, pulling him backwards into the embrace of another body. “Breathe, in through your nose, out through your mouth. Alright kid?"

He heard the unmistakable voice of Bones in his ear.

_What if it was still Kodos?_

_What if he was still dreaming?_

_What if he was still on Tarsus?_

_What if his whole life on the Enterprise was a joke made up by Kodos?_

He shook his head violently, regretting it instantly as sledgehammers smashed his skull to bits. He cried out in agony, his head hurt so much.

_Kodos did this to him._

_Again._

_He was back. He was never gone._

_But if he was never gone.._

_Then that means since then, how many people did he...?_

Jim was yanked back onto the biobed by none other than Bones, then rolled onto his side. Another nurse seemed to be attempting to strap an oxygen mask to his face but was failing miserably at it, thanks to Jim rapidly twisting his head from side to side and refusing it.

"Jim? Look at me, Jim." Bones tried to get the Captain's attention. His head sluggishly followed the voice.

"Feel funny, Bones" Jim managed to blurt out, regardless of his heart rate skyrocketing. Bones’ face was blurry in front of him.

"Yeah, I can see that. Hold on," he took a hypo from a tray a gently pressed it against Jim's neck. "You've been asleep two days."

Jim scowled at him.  
"That was your fault.."

Then it struck him.

"Kodos"

He heard McCoy sighed inwardly, the bed dipping. Kirk looked up to find McCoy sitting on it.

"Yeah, I remember you telling me."

Jim frowned, feeling surges of guilt at his sudden outburst. He was surely going to be reprimanded for that.  
“You’re not Kodos” he determined, mostly to himself.

“No. And Kodos isn’t here. He hasn’t been for years.” Bones was only talking to himself, beginning to sort out more hyposprays now that the kid was relatively calmer, and was not in fact about to murder a nurse. “Did you have a nightmare about him? The sedative I gave you shouldn’t make you dream..”

Kirk rolled his head away from Bones.  
“I didn’t.”  
_I did. And I’m certainly not letting you do that to me again._

“I know it’ll be hard, but try to get some more sleep” McCoy sighed, patting him on the shoulder. “You don’t want the rest of the crew thinking you’re unfit for duty, do you?”

Jim shrugged, sliding further down into the blankets to get rid of the blinding whiteness of the room and the lights combined.  
“I’m already unfit for duty.” he said. “Unless you’re saying I am, in that case I’m out of here—“

Jim didn’t even manage to lift his head from the pillow before McCoy interrupted his train of thoughts.

“No, but soon they’re going to start getting suspicious. The longer you’re in here anyway.” McCoy answered him. “At the moment only my sickbay staff have seen you...” he paused for effect, “..loopy”

Jim scoffed.

“Loopy? Hardly.”

The bed ‘undipped’ itself, the sound of footsteps leading away from it. Pacing from the CMO followed. “You’ve thrown 3 nurses against the wall ten minutes ago accusing every single one of them being Kodos. You overdosed yourself three days ago, stabbed yourself the day before that, I think it’s safe to say it’s getting pretty hard to cover your arse.”

_He has a point._

“Not to mention the fact that on Tarsus, you—“

“I get the point Bones!” Jim exasperated, “I want to be left alone now. Stop hovering.”

McCoy scoffed, the pacing footsteps soon disappearing into the distance, allowing Jim to realise the CMO had finally left him in peace.

\--

McCoy was half sunken into his chair, slumped over his desk in paperwork. Paperwork so exhilarating that he had fallen asleep on it.  
Dealing with Jim on a regular basis was already hard on the man. Trying to cope with him now was almost painful. This was the first time the doctor had managed to sleep since putting Jim into a medically induced coma two days ago himself.

All of a sudden, a loud scream erupted and sent McCoy’s veins rushing; with papers flying everywhere, he was up and out the room instantly. The scream had come from sickbay, but McCoy knew that room too well. How was it possible for the sound to be that loud without any alarms in the sickbay going off to warn him?  
Then it hit him instantly; his sickbay had a backroom.

Right on cue, the backroom door flew open, revealing a nurse running out, almost tripping over her own feet, looking around the room madly. Her eyes caught sight of McCoy, relief flooding her face, they stormed up to each other.

“Sir, the Captain, he’s started attacking us again,” she lifted up her arm to reveal a gash on her inner elbow and fingernail scratch marks all over her skin.

“Get yourself seen to, I’ll deal with this,” he replies, walking straight past her and into Jim’s isolated room, preparing himself for what he might find.

Of course, Jim’s bed was empty.

McCoy’s eyes darted around the room, attempting to locate his patient, and then found him pinning a man up against the wall.  
But they didn’t have medical uniform on.

“Jim?” he asked, slowly walking around to get a better look at the person he had in his clutch.  
Careful inspection showed him that it was Scotty; instantly the doctor leaped up behind Jim and tugged him backwards. The Captain’s grip on the man remained.

“Jim! Let him go! What the hell are you seeing? That’s Scotty!” he tried to make Jim see sense, but the younger man’s eyes were filled with fright. Clearly he didn’t recognise him.  
McCoy took a large stride in between the chief engineer and the Captain, prying Jim’s fingers off of Scotty’s neck. He pulled the Scotsman aside, and ushered him to the door that led him out of Jim’s room. He hastily obliged without a word, a quick nod before leaving to show his gratitude.

Kirk was frozen to the spot, glaring a hole through McCoy.  
“What the hell did you do? You’ve endangered the ship!” Kirk shouted then was about to make a run for the door before McCoy grabbed his arm and hauled him back.

“Jim, that’s Scotty. Who are you seeing? Tell me!”

"No.. no that's.. that's..." his face suddenly dropped to a dead stare.

"I'm going to kill him."

McCoy wanted to hit his head against the wall.  He decided to push the kid.

"Jim, lay back on the biobed before I _hypo your backside into next week._ "

Kirk spun around and launched himself at McCoy, sending him flying across the room like an accidentally jettisoned rocket.

 _That's it_.

 ** _"Jim! Get the fuck back onto the biobed before I strap you down!"_** he roared, standing up from the floor.

McCoy instantly regretted those words when he saw the colour drain from his friend's face, but nevertheless obeyed.

Jim walked away from him, climbing onto the bed and sulking like a child.  
Satisfied that he wouldn't move, he twisted his head to the door, gesturing for the nurses to come back in.

"I know what I have to do now." he muttered to them. "Let me know if he changes". He was answered by nods and nurses muttering "yes sir" before heading out to the main sickbay.

…

McCoy caught sight of Scotty sitting on the far biobed, the furthest from the door to Jim's own isolated sickbay.

 _Don't blame him,_ he thought, folding his arms and approaching him.  
The man looked apprehensive of course, but smiled anyway.

"You feeling alright?" he asked simply, glad that his vitals were all normal.

"Aye. I really cannae explain what 'appened! I just came to visit the Cap'n, he looked at me as if I killed someone and attacked me!"

McCoy shook his head in disbelief.

"It's not your fault Scotty. Jim's been having some uh.. real difficulties. I'm going to deal with it though." he told him. "Oh, you can _go_ by the way."

Scotty nodded, swinging himself off the end of the biobed and jumping to his feet.

"When you go back to the bridge, can you get them to hail Admiral Pike." McCoy said, as an order more than a request. "Tell them that Doctor McCoy wants to speak with him."

The engineer's eyes lit up as he realised what the doctor wanted to do.

"Aye. I'll let you know." he gave a grateful nod before turning to leave sickbay. McCoy watched the man leaving, sighing to himself.

Most of him didn't want to do this- in fact he didn't want to do it at all. Involving Pike in this was sure to upset Jim and cause even more problems, but the young Captain needed help. More help than McCoy could provide.

"Doctor McCoy?" the voice of Chapel snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Huh-yeah?"

"The Captain is asking for you. Saying he wants to go back down to Tarsus.. he's rather distressed." she informed him remorsefully.

"Alright. Thanks nurse." he dismissed her, and headed towards the back of the sickbay. _Again_.

…

"Jim." McCoy greeted him, inwardly kicking himself realising he sounded like Spock.

"Bones! Did that nurse send you here? I need to go back down to Tarsus." Jim was pretty jumpy right now. "Get a landing party ready, notify the transporter room--"

"Jim."

"Tell bridge that I want Chekov with me, he really can--"

"Jim, listen to me."

"--Get me out of danger lately. I think he has an eye for danger, but not in the bad way, you know? I--"

"Jim," McCoy didn't hesitate to take his hand. "Take some deep breaths kiddo." he felt Kirk try to pull away, his breaths growing quicker.

"In fact I think Sulu would be really helpful. I mean he has hand to hand combat. He can protect me-- not like I need protecting mind, I mean look at me, I'm--"

"Jim. Try to calm down kid." he gestured at the other nurses to leave.

"--I'm-I'm-I-I--"

"Jim. Slow down."

"--I'm in such good shape I should be able to fight on my-my-my-my--"

"Copy my breathing Jim, in and out, real slow now." McCoy attempted to calm him down before he has a full blown panic attack.

"I don't want- don't want- don't-- want.. don't.. want.. -- I don't, don't--"

McCoy skilfully swiped a hypospray's contents of a light sedative into the back of Jim's neck.

"Come on, lie back," he instructed, moving his hands across Jim's shoulders, pushing him down to the bed. Jim didn't fight him.

A couple of silent moments later, Jim's body started trembling. McCoy almost jumped into emergency action before realising the kid was crying. He closed his eyes for a second, taking a small breath to let out some of his inner frustration, and then closing Jim into his embrace.

"I've got you kid.. I've got you." he reassured him, mentally noting how feverish the younger man's skin felt against his. Kirk continued letting out his emotions, McCoy couldn't help but have a heavy heart ache for him as he cried into his shirt.

" _I'm tired of this, Bones.."_ he whimpered, voice muffled from speaking into the doctor's shirt.

"I know kid, I know."

He was going to fix the kid, no matter how much or how long it took.

 

The comm beeped.

"Doctor McCoy to the bridge, Admiral Pike is waiting for you."

McCoy eased Jim away from his shirt, stepping towards the comm and hitting the button. "On my way."

He turned to make an exit when;

"Bones..?"

He sighed, treading back over to Jim for a second. Pike could wait for a bit.

McCoy gently brushed back Jim's hair, which was annoyingly sticking out all over the place.

"I'll be right back. I've got Pike over the hailing transmission and we're gonna sort out what to do with you."

Jim sat up abruptly.

"Why? Are you trying to get me kicked out of command? Bones!"

"Jim I'm not trying to get--"

"I trusted you! More than everyone else!"

McCoy rubbed his head against his hands and exhaled. After everything Bones allowed Jim to put him through, did he really think he’d call Pike up just to throw Jim’s command off the ship?

"I'll be 10 minutes." he replied, stepping back. "Don't you dare get out of that bed!" The door hissed open and shut, Jim was left alone to the mercy of his fears again.

On his way to the bridge, McCoy was lost in thought.  
_Jim was a survivor of Tarsus IV._ That must be a hell of a lot to put on the young man’s shoulders. He’d never even bothered to mention it until now, and recently, Jim’s normal self was slowly being tossed out the window. There was honestly no way he could keep up command of the ship while in a state like this, and Bones intended to help him keep that command, not relinquish it.

The events of the past few days were sure to stay with both Jim and Bones forever. And possibly change how Bones thought of Jim. Perhaps there was a reason to his careless recklessness imbedded in his personality after all. And Jim was kicked into that reason face first. Experiencing the most traumatic time of his life all over again.

That didn’t explain why he was obsessed with going back down to Tarsus though.  
If he was so terrified of it that he had hallucinated his captive on the ship three times and caused himself grievous injury twice, why the hell did he want to go back?  
Knowing Jim, he probably would.

_And Bones certainly didn’t want to patch him up again._

McCoy stepped into the bridge, nodding at Pike who was already on screen.

_I sure hope he wasn’t waiting for me this whole time._

“Doctor McCoy. What can I do for you?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N- Sorry for how long it took to update! I’ve been working on another fic and I can only work on one fic at a time, so I made up for it with an extra long chapter. Also, this is the last chapter for this fic, I don’t want to keep dragging out the storyline. I hope you liked the whole story. Enjoy!

 

"I uh.. ask for your assistance in a situation with _Captain Kirk."_ McCoy stated, hands behind his back.

"Uh huh? Where is Kirk?" the admiral asked, his face getting bigger in the picture as he was peering closer.

"He's in sickbay. Sir."

Pike shifted around in his seat but nodded.

"Fill me in on what's happened."

"Well.. he's uh, recently been given a mission involving Tarsus IV" McCoy watched Pike's reaction, and sure enough, his expression tensed up.

"What did he do?"

"Well as of so far, he has stabbed himself with a scalpel, drugged himself into an overdose, hallucinated Kodos twice and attacked a few of my nurses, most recently the Enterprise's chief engineer, Montgomery Scott."

"I see." Pike's calm and stable voice was betrayed by the almost horrified expression on his face.

"We're just going around in circles here sir, I uh, ah.. I'm not sure what to do"

Pike seemed to contemplate this for a moment.

"Can you get him on the bridge so I can talk to him?"

Trying to drag Kirk up here will substantially increase the chance he's going to flip out.

But then again, if Pike can help him..

"Yeah, I'll get him up here. Spock, can you ask for two orderlies to bring Captain Kirk up here?"

The Vulcan's face turned into a frown.

"Orderlies, doctor? Is that necessary?"

"Trust me Spock, he won't be able to get here on his own."

\--

"What the hell's this?" Jim was being dragged onto the bridge by two men, one arm each hooked under Jim's.

"Captain Kirk," Pike greeted the struggling man.

Jim froze at that voice. It was Pike's.

"Pike?" his stomach felt like it was being squeezed, and Jim wasn’t sure if it was in a good way.

"Yeah, I'm here son."

Kirk's legs stopped working, and he unexpectedly dropped to the floor, the two orderlies jumping back by surprise, but then hovering closely over him.

There was a grumble and then a "Move out the way!" from the CMO.

Jim opened his eyes at the face of the doctor above him.

"Why?" he breathed, pushing down the urge to expel the contents of his stomach onto the bridge floors.

"It's good for ya, Jim." McCoy's tone was gentler than usual, he was kneeling down beside him.

"Is everything alright?" came the voice of the admiral.

"Yeah he's good. Aint'cha Jim?"

Jim only stared at him in confusion. "My legs feel weak" he admitted, too tired to care about his ego right now.

"Yeah? Well that's the shock. I'll give you a shot for that" McCoy reached into his medkit while Jim remained frozen to the spot.

\--

Jim was ten times more scared of hypos than usual. He couldn't put his finger on why. Instead he stared at the doctor, who was trying to find said hypo, feeling his breathing quickening while his vision blurred. The world felt surreal.

Maybe he was still dreaming.

Maybe he was still with Kodos and he was going to give Jim that sickening smile followed by a hypo then sent him into mindless pain for two hours straight.

He sucked in as much air as he could.

He needed more air, more air, more air. Or he'd suffocate.

Jim remained half frozen to the spot, if it wasn't for the intense quivering and breathing that was more like hyperventilating. He waited in fear for the shot. He was coming any second.

Any second he pchyed himself up. His body started shuddering so hard that it almost looked like a seizure.

He waited. And waited.

The pain would come any second now. He'd be sent into agony. His eyes were fixated on the wall next to him as he shook.

Just then, a hand was placed on his shoulder, followed by soothing words, but Jim couldn't understand them.

"Jim. It's okay, I won't give you anything. Jim?" McCoy tried to calm the younger man but he continued to deadpan at the wall, quivering.

"Jim I can't give the hypo to you while you're like this, calm down kid, it’s okay!" he looked up at Pike on the screen above him. Then back down at Jim who had started uncharacteristically whimpering.

Bones raised a worried eyebrow. "Just breathe kid, try to breathe slower" he encouraged, rubbing up and down his back.

Jim hiccupped.

"Slower, Jim. You're gonna be okay. Nice and slow for me." he checked the readings with his medical scanner. He frowned.

"See what I mean?" he gestured towards Jim's form. The admiral's face looked grim.

"I need to give him a sedative sir, his vitals are dangerously skyrocketing." McCoy glanced between Pike and his patient, still rubbing circles into Jim's back.

"That's fine. I've seen what's happening now, we can discuss the rest when Jim is safe." Pike answered, growing concerned for the man's health.

McCoy nodded, rubbing a finger against the skin of Jim's neck in an attempt to warn him, then delivered the hypospray as gently as he could.

His friend instantly fell slack against him, McCoy eased him to the ground.

\--

Jim woke up to the sound of the steady beeping of monitors.

 _What a wonderful day to escape from sickbay and warp to an uncharted nebula_ he thought.

"Jim?" McCoy's voice interrupted his plans. "You alright?"

Jim grunted.

"That a yes or a no?"

What he wouldn't give for Bones to be able to read minds right now.

"Mmnnyes" he answered slowly, ready to fall back to sleep.

Before he was jabbed with a hypo.

"Ah--Bones!"

McCoy grinned and placed the hypo down, glancing up at the monitors.

"Don't go to sleep yet Jim, we need to talk."

Jim groaned. "M'bout Pike?"

"Yeah, and you," Bones sat down next to Jim. "Listen, Pike has taken the Enterprise off the mission for Tarsus. It's been transferred to some other godforsaken tincan out there"

Kirk's eyes shot open in alarm.

"But that means-- it means I failed!"

McCoy shook his head in sympathy. "No Jim. This mission is hazardous for your health. You didn't fail, we just need to be given a new one"

"But Kodos, he's here, he's here, he's-- I'm the only one who knows--I--I'm the only-- the next ship! They'll--he'll find them and then they'll die and--"

"Calm down Jim, you're working yourself up into a state" McCoy readied a hypo, just in case.

"But--"

"Calm down."

"But Kodos--"

"Will be dealt with if he's still here, and I really doubt he still--"

"B'ness" Jim interrupted him and slurred, his muscles tensed up, he felt lightheaded.

"What's wrong?" McCoy took out his scanner and quickly ran it over Jim's body.

"Booones" Jim warned him anxiously, feeling like he was going to pass out.

"Hold on kid" McCoy yanked the biobed down into a straight line, leaving Jim now staring up at the ceiling and the doctor's face that covered it.

"B'sss" he breathed, before swiping at the black spots that invaded his vision.

"Stay awake you moron, Pike'll be pissed if he can't get a speech out of you"

"Goin' sleep sounds good now.." Kirk let his eyes shut; allowing the wonderful deep dark void of nothing to consume him when,

"Ow!"

McCoy rammed a stimulant into his neck.

"I said no sleeping. Pike wants to talk to you."

Jim groaned. The last thing he wanted was a long talk about Tarsus and having a three hour argument about why Jim shouldn't go back on Tarsus, even though he's obviously fine.

"I wanna sleep" he moaned, even though he knew McCoy wouldn't allow that.

"Tell me why you want to go to sleep Jim? Pike isn't important enough to you?" McCoy knew the obvious answer was he was tired-- too tired, and it was a known fact that panic attacks often exhausted a person after an episode. But keeping him talking would help him stay awake.

"I just wanna sleep"

"You use that pathetic excuse on me again and I'll dump so many stimulants into your veins that you won't be able to sleep for a week." The CMO teased, draping an arm around Jim's body, "Come on, up." he commanded, hauling the man into a sitting position despite his groans.

"Now m'jus' feel dizzy" he swayed on the bed, McCoy holding him steady until he gathered his senses.

"We're gonna see Pike, and after he's had his talk, I'll bring you right back here and you can sleep all you want. Alright?" McCoy gently helped Jim lift himself into a standing position.

"But right now we have to listen to him. He's an admiral after all." The doctor added.

Jim grunted his acknowledgement and began walking with the doctor's aid to the sickbay door.

....

 

"I've got him, Pike," McCoy announced as soon as he stepped foot on the bridge.

Jim wearily looked up at the screen, that was displaying a very passively frustrated admiral. Jim winked at him.

"What have you gotten yourself into now, Jim?"

The Captain shrugged the best he can with being half submerged into McCoy's shirt.

"Dunno sir" he muffled. Pike visibly sighed.

"Listen, son. We've had to redirect the Enterprise's current mission to another ship. I'm not going to relieve you of your command, because I know you're going to heal." he explained over the static. "It made you temporarily unwell mentally and emotionally and should never have been given to you, but most of our officers don't have access to your private medical history."

Kirk nodded, while being gently prodded over to his Captain's chair by McCoy.

"McCoy has been given full disclosure to the whole event as he is your chief medical officer and personal physician. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Jim once again nodded, licking his dry lips and leaning back in the chair. He soon felt McCoy rubbing his shoulders for what he supposed was meant to be comfort.

Jim didn't want the entire crew suspicious of what he'd went through, he wished Pike would've just been patched through to his quarters. He stared at the floor. He needed to escape.

"I want to go" Jim whispered against the doctor. A firm grip of a hand on Jim's left shoulder let him know that McCoy had heard him.

"Thank you for your time, Admiral" McCoy said, giving a certain glance towards the monitor that he hoped represented "please take the hint and leave"

The request was received, apparently, as a small sympathetic smile and a nod was all he got in return before "Anytime. Contact me if things change" followed by the transmission ending.

Jim let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, turning a burrowing himself into McCoy's shirt. A hand eventually was pressed on his back, with small whispers of "It's gonna be fine, kid" and "Need to get you out"

\--

Jim sat on the edge of his bed alone, in his quarters, contemplating what Pike had said.

A mission had been removed from the Enterprise' case and given to someone else. Jim was supposed to be the best. The crew were supposed to be the best in the fleet. Was he incompetent? Would they get rid of him?

Would he lose command?

Jim's thoughts washed around in his mind like gravy. He could only think of one thing.

He was losing control. Losing command.

Losing command of the Enterprise.

His breath hitched in his throat, snapping him out of his thoughts. He noticed how constricted his chest was.

Maybe he was sick.

So sick that even Pike noticed. In fact, so sick that everyone noticed how sick he was apart from him. His attention focused back on his chest again. It was getting harder to breathe.

Shit. If they found out, he would get fired for sure.

Losing control.

Losing command.

Losing command of the Enterprise.

Jim pulled himself into a standing position, immediately being greeted by the cold ground seconds later.

The wall comm. He needed to reach it. Bones needed to fix him before he loses control of the Enterprise.

Jim hobbled over to the wall.

Wait.

If he used the comm, people might hear him. Then he'd definitely lose command.

He made his way to the door, the seconds it took to swing open felt like minutes of agony.

Need to find Bones.

Need to find Bones.

 

McCoy was finishing up a physical from an engineer.

"And next time don't be 3 hours late!" he yelled after them, rolling his eyes. After the around-the-world trip of his eyeballs, McCoy caught a glimpse of the engineer looking stunned at something, turning round to McCoy, then quickly fled the room.

A flood of emotions bullied him for a second, before he managed to prepare himself for what was next.

Jim came barging through a hissing door, knocking himself into it before it had even finished opening, stumbling forwards, then desperately looking around the room.

"Where's Bones?" he croaked hoarsely, even though Jim was right in front of him.

"Right here, Jim" McCoy said, taking the man under his armpits and leading him away. "Let's go you on a bed, what happened?"

Jim's eyes widened in terror, Bones didn't know why. There was nothing here, and Bones hadn't unleashed his endless supply of hypos on him yet.

"Need to fix me Bones, or I'll lose command"

McCoy dragged him to the bed, glaring up at the offending vitals as soon as the alarms began sounding.

"I'm dying Bones, my chest hurts, they're gonna relieve me of command, I'm gonna-- they're-- I'm losing command"

"I'm losing command of the Enterprise" Jim repeated for the millionth time, scrambling and fidgeting under McCoy's hands.

"Jim, Jim! Look at me" the doctor tried to grab his attention. "Why'd you think that kid?"

Jim looked dumbfounded and gawping like a fish. His eyes contained many unspoken words

" _Can't_.." gasp ".. _Breathe_.." gasp.

"Chapel get in here with a sedative and a TriOx compound!" he yelled, holding onto Jim's arm with one hand and dragging over a tray with the other.

"Nothing’s wrong with you Jim, you're just havin' a panic attack, you're okay" he soothed, pressing a mask against the man's face, covering his mouth and nose.

Chapel appeared at Jim's side, giving a hypo that read sedative to McCoy to check that Jim wasn't allergic to it, then pressed another hypo into his neck; the TriOx.

Jim continued to struggle. McCoy nodded to Chapel his approval and handed the sedative back to her. Then glanced down when a sweaty hand starts bashing itself against the mask.

"Jim," McCoy takes the angry hand onto his and places it against his chest, "That mask is to help you breathe, it's just oxygen, okay?"

Jim exhaled quietly and moans in surprise when a sedative hits his veins. His eyes follow Chapel's hand, which puts a hypo down.

"Wha' that" Jim slurs, then grimaces when a throbbing pain settles into his lungs.

"It's just a sedative, it's okay" McCoy rubbed the back of his neck with a hand, shaking his head in disbelief at Chapel.

"But it hurts" Jim complains, bringing a floppy hand to his stomach. McCoy gently pulls Jim's hand aside and tried to look for the problem himself.

"Where does it hurt, Jim?"

"Mmm" he replies instead, sedatives kicking in strongly. His eyes fluttered, a void dragging him down, and for once Jim didn't want to fight it.

\--

Jim thought he heard voices. Maybe he was finally going insane. Where had he embraced self-doubt before? It felt familiar.

"Gonna.. him.. stay... quarters.. week.."

Jim tried to piece the words together.

Oh, right.

The memories came back to him rapidly, like a tsunami washing over an unsuspecting victim.

He thought he was going to lose command.

How embarrassing.

"Jim?" He instantly recognised the voice calling his name, then realised it was Bones who was talking the whole time.

"Jim, I know you're awake, open your eyes for me"

_No way. I'm going right back to sleep._

An eyelid was peeled back and before he could react, a light pierced through his eyeball.

"St--Stop" Jim found himself struggling to speak. His throat was noticeably hurting. The offending eyelid was dropped.

"Open your eyes or I'll stab you with a hypospray. Three of them."

Both his eyes shot open before Bones could finish his sentence. Jim scowled.

"How you feelin'?" came McCoy's voice, Jim feeling pissed off that the doctor couldn't tell that he felt like crap. Then he felt a stronger surge of anger.

"Why'd you sedate me?" he asks wearily, although desperately wanting to go back to sleep.

"You were panicking like all hell. Couldn't calm you so I had to sedate you"

Jim sighs, not bothering to continue that conversation.

"Jim.." he heard Bones sigh too, as if waiting to drop a bombshell on him. "I'm diagnosing you with PTSD."

There it is.

"I'm gonna have you on a cocktail of drugs, and you'll be on leave in your quarters for a minimum of a week, no exceptions" Bones emphasised on " _no_ ". McCoy held his breath, waiting for a rage-fuelled argument to ensue.

But Jim felt nothing, strangely. He _did_ feel like he should protest, tell McCoy that he was wrong and at the very least be allowed back on the bridge, but somehow, he just didn't care.

"Okay" Jim replied softly, catching McCoy's face twist into a shocked expression as he let his eyes close.

" _Okay_?" McCoy asked in disbelief. "Okay? Is that it? No... arguments? No protesting?"

Jim shrugged the best he could and sniffed.

"You're the doctor" he sighed, rolling onto his side to block out the man from his view.

"Alright..uhh" McCoy sounded unsure, probably at his sudden compliance, "I have to tell you why I'm giving you this diagnosis, okay?" he waited a few beats, but continued when there was no reply from Jim.

"Well, uh, since you came back from uh... Tarsus, you've been having panic attacks, hallucinating, paranoid, jus' plain scared outta your mind, and I gotta do something about that, y'know? I'm not letting you back on duty for at least a week, and I'm gonna be giving you some drugs every day for a three weeks."

Jim's body jerked into a sitting position at the last two words.

" _Three weeks_? Every day? For _three_ weeks?" he gripped onto the edge of the bed when the blood rushed to his head, vision blurring.

"Easy, easy" Bones hushed, gently pushing Jim back down by the shoulders. "Yeah. Whether you want me to administer them or you is up to you. Twice a day. Four hyposprays. After treatment is done you'll be right as rain." he added, patting his head. "Better than that stuff of the dark ages.. where most people are on meds for life. You should be grateful"

Jim grunted, then shifted himself under the blankets. Perhaps never receiving help after Tarsus when he was a child contributed to how he was reacting now.

"I gave you the first round while you were out of it, the next set is due before you go to bed tonight." McCoy explained, standing up from the bed and swiping across monitors. "And don't worry, you'll be sleeping in your quarters."

Jim sarcastically groaned in 'excitement'.

Whoopee, he absolutely could not wait to be stabbed four times in the neck before trying to sleep.

There was an eerie silence above him for a while, he swore he could hear McCoy breathing.

"Talk to me, Jim."

Oh.

So Jim grunted.

A long sigh.

"Don't grunt at me, idiot, say something"

Jim felt his throat swell up.

Alarms suddenly blurted from above him, McCoy's hands were instantly on his face.

"Jim? Hey, talk to me kid! What's happening?" McCoy's eyes scanned over him.

Jim's eyes wearily opened, revealing blood-shot eyes, a single tear ran down his cheek.

McCoy's facial expression turned into concern, and worry, something not rare on the doctor's face.

Jim shuddered, then didn't see the point in holding it in anymore.

He turned his head towards the mattress, unleashing wracking sobs into the sheets.

A warm hand almost immediately began running up and down his back.

"Aww, kid." a muffled voice behind him cooed. "It'll be okay. I'll look after ya, yeah?"

Jim nodded, strangely soothed by the rhythmic circles being rubbed into his back.

"Take a deep breath-- couple of deep breaths, in an' out" he quietly told him, Jim did as instructed, although albeit shakily.

Eventually after a few minutes of silence, Jim slowly held out his arm to McCoy, lifting his head from the pillow slightly to look at him.

"Make me go to sleep" he mumbled.

Jim was absolutely, well and truly, _done_ with being awake. There was a sigh though, which usually meant Jim wasn't about to get what he wanted.

"While I love stabbing you with those things, I don't want to keep sedating you whenever you get upset" he said, his hand returning to Jim's back. "You can sleep _without_ sedatives, Jim"

Once again, McCoy got only a grunt in reply. The captain's head flopped back down onto the pillow, ready to sleep; however long that would take.

"I'll get you some food when you wake up, yeah? After that it'll be time to properly have a good long sleep in your own bed." McCoy grinned at him, "I think it'll be good for you"

Jim listened intently, then slowly turned himself into his back, feeling like crap with the brightness hitting his face, but having his face shoved into a pillow was making it harder to breathe. Jim exhaled loudly so McCoy would hear and turn to face him.

"If I sleep now... t'will be harder to sleep later.." Jim analysed out loud, as if it was the most in depth tactical analysis he had ever made, with layers of logic even Spock would be proud of. Then he paused and opened his eyes.

"Where's Spock?"

McCoy rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

"He's back on the bridge"

Jim shuffled under the blankets some more.

"If I sleep I won't sleep later and it'll be horrible."

"Like hell it will be. Why not eat now, then I'll take you back to your quarters to sleep after?"

Jim contemplated this, and nodded agreeably.

"Be right back" Bones said, before scuttling out of the room.

…

Jim eyed his soup suspiciously.

"What'd you thinks' in there? Disembodied Vulcans? You know, if I have to practically live with one for another year that's how things are lookin'" Bones teased him, and slapped his back. "Come on kid, eat up. Not letting you sleep 'til you do"

Jim groaned, but obeyed and carefully swallowed a spoonful. Then gagged.

"Ew, what's in this?" he spluttered, glaring up at McCoy as if he'd just fed him poison.

"It's a perfectly normal vegetable soup. From the replicator mind you"

Jim grimaced and downed another spoonful. The quicker he'd be allowed to sleep, the better.

Also, they needed a new replicator.  
He pushed the bowl away. Three spoonfulls was a record amount of food ingested for the past 3 weeks.

“You done with that?” McCoy asked, tapping the bowl with a fingernail. Jim nodded, confirming it by shuffling back into the bed.

“Don’t get comfy, we’re going back to your quarters now” Bones said, standing up and eying the IV drip, wondering how the hell he was gonna get it from here to Jim’s quarters. It was only saline, so perhaps he could convince Jim to drink water often instead.  
“Alright, stand up,” he said, manoeuvring his hands under Jim’s armpits and hauling him up. “Can you walk there, or you want me to get a hoverchair?”

Jim grimaced. “I’m not being carried there. I can walk” he said sulkily, shuffling his feet over to the door, McCoy close by him.

\--

Jim exhaled in relief the second he sat on his bed. Free of the stench of sickbay, free of IV lines and noisy patients, cluttering and banging of incompetent staff members who couldn’t seem to put a folder down without waking half the Beta quadrant up.

“You settled in there?” Bones asked, opening up his medkit. Jim swore he could see him smirking ever so slighty. Then he realised what he was doing.

“You sad masochist” Jim groaned, pulling the covers up over his head, which were obviously a better line of defence than photon torpedoes.

“Come on Jim, I told ya. Four hypos, twice a day, for three weeks.”

A muffled groan from under a bundle of sheets.

“But that’s 56 hyposprays a week! 8 hypo’s a day!”

“Yep. Now get out from under there” McCoy said, tugging at the sheets, but Jim’s determination to stay away from his mentally life-saving devices of beauty overpowered him.  
McCoy grunted, pushing the medkit aside, and ferociously wrenched the sheets up. There was a quiet surprised yelp at his sudden loss of security, followed by eyes full of betrayal watching him.  
McCoy opened his medkit again, took out the first hypo, and gave Jim a “deal with it” look.

“Hate you” Jim whispered under his breath.

“No you don’t,” McCoy answered, checking the dosage and turning Jim’s neck to the side firmly with one hand. “Don’t be a little bitch and maybe I won’t ram it into your neck on purpose” he teased, pressing it gently against his neck. Jim was already exhausted both mentally and physically, McCoy didn’t want to make it unnecessarily worse just because he wanted to vent his frustration on something that Jim most certainly had a better reason to be upset for.  
A little squeak was all he got. He hoped it was in surprise and not in pain.

“Infant” McCoy shook his head, readying the next hypo.

“Can’t you do it faster? You’re just dragging it out on purpose, I bet Chapel would have done all four of them seven times by now.”

McCoy grinned.  
“Oh yeah? Let’s put that to the test, let me just get her in here and make her hypo you with all four of them, seven times” he smiled, grabbing his communicator, although not pressing any buttons “I’m sure she can’t wait to hypo you twenty seven times, hold on”

Jim lazily slapped it out of his hand, but his face showed that he clearly wasn’t in the mood to be teased.

“Please Bones, just give me the treatment and be done with it” he whispered, closing his eyes and turning his head to the side.

Wordlessly, McCoy pressed the second, third and fourth hypo against Jim’s neck, silently enjoying the hissing sound it made. It was gratifying.

“All done.” He announced, packing everything back in his medkit. “Now if you need anything, use your communicator. Do _not_ try to wander all the way back to sickbay, especially if you’re feeling unwell. Don’t want you fainting in the corridors.”

Jim nodded, snuggling back down under the covers.

“Oh, and,” McCoy handed him bottled water he had with him. “When I come back in the morning, I want all of that to be gone. In your stomach, not down the drain”

Jim frowned.

“It’s either that or the saline drip.” he added, standing up and walking towards the door.

Jim closed his eyes, ready to finally have his first decent sleep in weeks.

“Jim?”

Jim warily looked up at him again.

“You’ll be okay on your own, yeah?”

Jim chuckled to himself, closing his eyes again, sighing.

“I’ll be fine, Bones.” he muttered, already being dragged to sleep by his exhausted brain, “I always am.”

**_The End._ **


End file.
